Episode 3 - The Gal in the Big Chair

Megaton Girl Episode 3 - The Gal in the Big Chair

Created, Written and Directed by Austin Lee Matthews
Produced by Mark Allen Jr. and Austin Lee Matthews

Amanda Kay as Connie
Michelle Deco as Laurel
Jason Marnocha as Kirby
PM Seymour as Chuck
Anjali Kunapaneni as River
Kdin Jenzen as The Grillmaster
Christopher Smith as Julian
Alex Weitzman as Moishe
Tiana Camacho as Nora

Additional voices by Alex Weitzman, Timothy D. Morris, Ryker Matthews and Austin Lee Matthews

Music and Sound Mixing by Austin Lee Matthews

Character designs: Austin Lee Matthews, Ama Schwindenhammer, Jeremy MacKrell
Talksprites by Jeremy MacKrell
Backgrounds by Ama Schwindenhammer
Cover Art by Austin Lee Matthews

Extra special thanks to the heroes over on Patreon:
BigMountainCat, Christopher Craft, Jazzy Oliver, Kyle Edmond, Liam Ware, LookWhosFhtagn(feh-TAUG-en), Matthew Byas, Maybe A Cat, Nikki S, Saiou, SapphireClaw, SeriouslyFunny, Steven Anderson, and Warzy Raptor and thank you to FattyAtomicMutant for her generous paypal donation

And thank you to our guest stars for this episode, especially for hopping in with our tighter recording schedule. 

 Megaton Girl is copyright Austin Lee Matthews 2021 

Transcript

[RECAP, 77 SECONDS LONG]

Scene 1 (00:01:17)

CONNIE

Is everybody alright?!

(SNIFF SNIFF)

Woah what is that fucking amazing smell??

MUSEUM DOCENT

Megaton Girl, thank god! You’ve got to stop her before

it’s too late!

CONNIE

Who? What’s going on??

MUSEUM DOCENT

I don’t know- She- She came from nowhere and started

torching the bread museum and-

CONNIE

YO THIS CITY HAS A BREAD MUSEUM?!

KIRBY

(OVER COMMS)

Head in the game, kid.

CONNIE

Sorry. Right. Get to safety, okay?

MUSEUM DOCENT

Y-Yes, ma’am!

CONNIE

Alright, asshole! I love toast as much as the next

girl, but even I gotta admit this is a bit much.

GRILLMASTER

Ahhhhh I was wondering which hero they would send to my

Kitchen.

CONNIE

...What the hell are you supposed to be?

GRILLMASTER

I am known by many names throughout the planes. The

devils of the Super Hell call me The Ender of Men. In

the farthest reaches of cosmos, I am G’Valth’rak,

devourer of worlds. And Monday through Friday at my day

job, I am known as Wendy from the IT Department. But I

suppose you may call me by my preferred title: The

Grillmaster.

CONNIE

That’s... neat? Sooooo are you like a demon chef? Some

kind of sandwich... witch? A really pissed off line

Cook?

GRILLMASTER

All of the above.

CONNIE

That is... Really underwhelming.

GRILLMASTER

Fool. Behold! Your doom.

CONNIE

What the hell...?

SOUND: MAGICAL SPELL

GRILLMASTER

Yes. Soon the whole universe will know the power of…

SOUND: THE HELL HOAGIE ROARS AND SLOBBERS

GRILLMASTER

The Hell Hoagie!

CONNIE

...Oh. My. God.

GRILLMASTER

(CACKLES MANIACALLY)

Now, Megaton Girl! Embrace your-

CONNIE

Giant sandwich!

GRILLMASTER

What?

CONNIE

Imma eat it!

GRILLMASTER

You will not!

CONNIE

Imma do it!

GRILLMASTER

Do not eat the Hell Hoagie!

CONNIE

Don’t what?

GRILLMASTER

Eat the Hell Hoagie!!

CONNIE

Eat the Hell Hoagie?! Well if you insist!

SOUND: MEGATON GIRL LEAPS AT THE SANDWICH

CONNIE

(OVER EXAGGERATED "AAAAAAAH")

GRILLMASTER

No!

SOUND: THE HELL HOAGIE ROARS AND SLOBBERS

SOUND: THE HELL HOAGIE HAS IMMEDIATE SECOND THOUGHTS

CONNIE

(EXAGGERATED "NOMMING")

SOUND: MEGATON GIRL STARTS EATING THE HELL HOAGIE

SOUND: THE HELL HOAGIE ROARS AND THRASHES

GRILLMASTER

Stop that! Stop eating my ultimate sandwich!

CONNIE

Ultimate sandwich!!!!!!!!!!!

(MORE EXAGGERATED "NOMMING")

SOUND: MEGATON GIRL KEEPS EATING THE HELL HOAGIE

Scene 2

SOUND: CONNIE IS NIBBLING A PILLOW

LAUREL

(SNORING LIGHTLY)

CONNIE

(VERY SLEEPY, DROOLING "OM NOM NOM NOM")

LAUREL

(STIRRS A BIT)

Hm?

SOUND: CONNIE IS NIBBLING A PILLOW

LAUREL

Hon? Sweetie?

CONNIE

(SLEEPY, DROOLING)

Ultimate... sandwich…

LAUREL

Connie, baby, you’re eating my pillow…

CONNIE

Huhh?? Oh... sorry. I was having the-

LAUREL

Ultimate sandwich dream?

CONNIE

…Are you a wizard?

LAUREL

(CHUCKLES)

You talk in your sleep.

CONNIE

Ohhhh, wow sorry, I didn’t know I-

LAUREL

No it’s fine, it was cute. Just maybe get a midnight

snack so I have a pillow in the morning.

CONNIE

Okaaaaayyy.

SOUND: CONNIE GETS OUT OF BED

CONNIE

I’ll try not to wake you up when I come back to bed.

LAUREL

(YAWNS)

Thanks, hon.

CONNIE

Ultimate sandwiiiiich.

SOUND: CONNIE STUMBLES OUT OF THE ROOM

LAUREL

(LAUGHS A BIT)

Scene 3

SOUND: CONNIE PLACES A PLATE ON THE TABLE

CONNIE

Ahhhh... this... this is the most perfect sandwich

ever. I shall knight thee, the Earl... Of Sandwich.

(AHHHHHH LIKE SHE’S ABOUT TO TAKE A BITE)

SOUND: NANOBOTS BEEPING

CONNIE

Mother f-

SOUND: CONNIE ACTIVATES NANOBOTS

CONNIE

Whaaaat?

KIRBY

(OVER COMMS)

Oh good you’re already awake. Why are you awake?

CONNIE

It’s sandwich time babyyyyy.

KIRBY

(OVER COMMS)

It’s three in the god damn-... Ugh whatever, we gotta

Talk.

CONNIE

(SLEEPY)

Cool, yeah, on an unrelated note, do the butterflies

have a do not disturb button?

KIRBY

(OVER COMMS)

Yeah, your belly button.

CONNIE

Cool, hanging up now. Boop.

KIRBY

(OVER COMMS)

I was being sarcastic.

CONNIE

(TAKES A BITE OF SANDWICH)

Whatever. I’m eating while we talk.

KIRBY

(OVER COMMS)

Fine, but please don’t talk with your mouth full.

CONNIE

(MOUTH FULL)

I do not agree to those draconian terms.

KIRBY

(OVER COMMS)

I’ve been trying to arrange another lesson for you for

a couple weeks. Reached around to a few folks, and I

finally nabbed a hero that can help you and Laurel at

the same time.

CONNIE

(YAWNS)

Fuck yeah dude. But why’d it take so long?

KIRBY

(OVER COMMS)

I- Uh... May have overestimated the amount of heroes

who would be willing to help.

CONNIE

Fuck.

KIRBY

(OVER COMMS)

I honestly should have expected as much. My rep’s been

almost completely destroyed by Chuck. There was somebody I had

in mind to help you control your mouth laser-

CONNIE

Gut Buster.

KIRBY

(OVER COMMS)

Ugh, Gut Buster. Anyway, she uh... Probably ain’t

Coming.

CONNIE

Double fuck. So did you get?

KIRBY

(OVER COMMS)

Got a pair of heroes for you again. Their names are

Lightsmith and Shadowthing. Think you’re gonna be

decently surprised by their powers. You’ll meet up

with us in Magnanimous Memorial Park today after Laurel

gets off work.

CONNIE

Which Magnanimous Memorial Park? He’s died like three times and come

back to life.

KIRBY

(OVER COMMS)

The one that was christened after the Ki’ahn Invasion

in the the ’60s. It’s basically a crater at this point

anyway, so no worries if you cause any collateral

damage. 

CONNIE

Right, right, okay.

(YAWNS)

I’m gonna finish my sandwich, okay?

KIRBY

(OVER COMMS)

Yeah yeah. But get some sleep, too. It’s gonna be one

hell of a day.

CONNIE

Okaaaaaaaaaaaaay. Night, Kirb.

KIRBY

(OVER COMMS)

Yeah, arrivederci and all that.

SOUND: NANOBOTS BEEP

CONNIE

Alright, where were we, mon croque-monsieur?

(AAAHHHHH)

SOUND: CONNIE FACEPLANTS ON THE TABLE

CONNIE

(SNORING, MUMBLING)

Scene 4

LAUREL

(SIGHS)

Alright, last panel.

SOUND: CHUCK WALKS UP

CHUCK

Larissa.

LAUREL

Ah-! It’s Lau-... Ahem. Yes, Mr. Bradford?

CHUCK

How’s the page coming?

LAUREL

It’s uh- Almost done.

CHUCK

Well, hurry up. The article goes up at 3.

LAUREL

I thought It was going up at 5.

CHUCK

Well , now I say it’s going up at 3. Get on it.

LAUREL

Y-Yes sir. Any... Particular reason for the early

Release?

CO-WORKER

That’s what she said!

CHUCK

You’re fired!

CO-WORKER

Fuck!

CHUCK

(SIGHS)

It seems like we have some new competition, Lana. You

know that Megaton Girl who’s been around lately?

LAUREL

I- I know of her, yes.

CHUCK

Well, it seems like some jackass decided to start up a

news site dedicated to her, and I am so-... Fucking...

(DEEP BREATH)

Furious.

LAUREL

D- Do you have any idea who they are?

CHUCK

No. They were anonymous for the first article, but

they’ve started going by "Monarch." Cryptic-ass

motherf- Anyway, we’ve got a lot of catching up to do.

The site just clocked in 20 million hits, and that shit

doesn’t fly with me.

LAUREL

20 mil-! Ahem, that’s uh- How dare they?

CHUCK

That’s what I want to know! She hasn’t been a hero

for that long. Three major hero incidents and couple of

small crimes here and there and she gets 20 fucking

million hits?! That’s more hits than we’ve generated on

the last five Captain Valiant articles combined! Who

the fuck do either of these people think they are?!

LAUREL

I uh. Wish I knew, sir.

CHUCK

I just-

(DEEP BREATH)

It’s fine. It’s fine. Megatons of Fun is burning too

bright, too fast. People will stop giving a shit about

her soon and everything will go back to normal.

LAUREL

I- If you say so.

CHUCK

And I do!

(SHORT BREATH IMMEDIATELY LIKE TEN CLICKS CALMER)

I do say so. And whatever I say goes.

And right now, everybody, I say that the new deadline

for today’s article is 3! If any of you are even a

second late, you’re ass is grass. Now get to work!

WALLA

(YES SIR)(SURE THING)(RIGHT)(GROANING)

CHUCK

You too, Lara.

SOUND: CHUCK WALKS AWAY

SOUND: LAUREL GOES BACK TO SKETCHING

LAUREL

Yes, sir.

(SIGH OF RELIEF)

Twenty fucking million?? What?!

Scene 5

CONNIE

Can you hear me ok, babe?

LAUREL

(OVER COMMS)

Crystal clear! And Kirby gave me these cool new glasses

that let me see everything you see through your mask.

Wow, is that what being tall looks like?

CONNIE

Enjoying the view, shorty?

LAUREL

(OVER COMMS)

Oh hah hah.

KIRBY

(OVER COMMS)

Alright let’s focus up, lovebirds. Laurel, if you press

that button on the right side of your frames, you’ll

bring up a HUD with all the info you’ll need out in the

Field.

LAUREL

(OVER COMMS)

This button here?

SOUND: BEEP, OVER COMMS

LAUREL

(OVER COMMS)

Woah, okay that’s a lot of tabs.

KIRBY

(OVER COMMS)

And it’s all essential. Vital readouts, a real time

crimewatch, social media feeds and lots of

other crap. I kinda lost the manual.

LAUREL

(OVER COMMS)

This is gonna take some getting used to. I might see if

I can optimize the layout a bit later.

CONNIE

Does it run Doom?

KIRBY

(OVER COOMS)

Why would it run Doom-?

LAUREL

(OVER COMMS)

Wow yeah I totally just booted up Doom!

CONNIE

Fuck yeah!

KIRBY

(OVER COMMS)

Well, close out of it. They’ll be here any second and

we still need a codename for you.

LAUREL

(OVER COMMS)

Oh, don’t worry, I’ve got one.

KIRBY

(OVER COMMS)

And this is why you’re in the chair! Always ten steps

ahead! What’s it gonna be?

LAUREL

(OVER COMMS)

Same I’ve been using for the Megaton Girl news site:

Monarch.

KIRBY

(OVER COMMS)

Monarch, Monarch... A little narcisistic, don’t you

Think?

LAUREL

(OVER COMMS)

Oh, not like royalty. Like the butterfly! Connie’s been

calling the nanobots her "little butterflies." Since

I’m gonna be speaking to her through them, I thought

it’d be fitting!

CONNIE

...Babe that shit’s cute as hell.

KIRBY

(OVER COMMS)

...Yeah okay, that’s actually brilliant.

LAUREL

(OVER COMMS)

(CHUCKLING)

I’m pretty proud of it.

KIRBY

(OVER COMMS)

Now that that’s out of the way, where the hell are

they? They should’ve been here by-

LIGHTSMITH

Now!

SOUND: SPARKLES AND CONFETTI EXPLODE

CONNIE

Huh?

LAUREL

(OVER COMMS)

No. Fucking. Way.

LIGHTSMITH

Ladies and gentleman! You are about to get a show the

likes of which you have never witnessed! Behold the

power, the radiance, the heroics... of the one! The

only! The forger of photons!

CHORUS
LIGHTSMIIITH!!

LIGHTSMITH

(IMITATES CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

LAUREL

(OVER COMMS)

Wooo! Encore!

LIGHTSMITH

Haha! I appreciate your applause! It is not often that

get the opportunity to perform that rousing

introduction, anymore. Villains are fine monologuing

all day, but the second that I attempt to, I get a face

full of hubris!

KIRBY

(OVER COMMS)

Heya Smithy, how are ya!

LIGHTSMITH

I am doing splendidly, friend Kirby! We are both so

glad to see you! Hm? Ah! I am told by Shadowthing to

say- Ahem.

(IMMITATING SHADOWTHING)

"Hey."

KIRBY

(OVER COMMS)

Good to see you, too. Been too long. Megs, Monarch.

Meet Lightsmith and Shadowthing!

CONNIE

Hi there!

LAUREL

(OVER COMMS)

H-Hi! Big fan, eheheh.

CONNIE

...Kirby.

KIRBY

(OVER COMMS)

Yeah?

CONNIE

I have a potentially dumb question.

KIRBY

(OVER COMMS)

Is the question: Where’s Shadowthing?

CONNIE

Yeaaahp.

KIRBY

(OVER COMMS)

That’s not a dumb question. It’s actually kinda...

complicated. Smithy, care to explain?

LIGHTSMITH

Oh, yes, but of course, Kirby! We are Lightsmith and

Shadowthing, together, in one mind. We are each an

alternate personality, and are blessed with our own

sets of powers. When I am in control, we can manipulate

the photons in the air to create hardlight constructs.

Like weapons, simple machinery, projections of myself.

Shadowthing on the other hand can- What? No I’ll

explain it fine myself, thank you. Alright, fine. Just

a sec.

SOUND: MAGIC

SHADOWTHING

Sorry. She’s a little long winded. Hey. I’m

Shadowthing. I make shadows do weird shit.

(A BEAT)

Yeah.

LAUREL

(OVER COMMS)

So wait. Two extraordinarily powerful heroes, heroes

that I wrote about in college, are the same person?!

KIRBY

(OVER COMMS)

Ain’t that neat?

LAUREL

(OVER COMMS)

Neat?! It’s amazing!! It completely changes everything

I thought I knew about the world of heroes! I- I have

so many questions!

KIRBY

(OVER COMMS)

(LAUGHING)

And you can ask them later, fangirl. For now we’ve got

work to do. Which one of you wants to give these ladies

a test drive?

SHADOWTHING

Lightsmith wants to go first. Lightsmith always wants

to go first. Which is fine because I don’t. Just a sec.

SOUND: MAGIC

LIGHTSMITH

Ah! There we are! So, friend Kirby. What would you have

Lightsmith do, hm?

KIRBY

(OVER COMMS)

Let’s start with a little uh... I didn’t think this

through as much as I thought. How about you just throw

some stuff at Megaton Girl? Whatever you can think up.

LIGHTSMITH

Ah, dodgeball! The game of champions!

KIRBY

(OVER COMMS)

Well yes, but without the balls coming back your way.

LIGHTSMITH

Ohhh! Even more fun!

KIRBY

(OVER COMMS)

Alright, Monarch. Lesson one. You’re Megaton Girl’s

second set of eyes, so communication is key. There’s

gonna be a lot of shit coming at her, and part of your

job is pointing out where it’s coming from. I’ve given

you access to the park’s security cameras, so you

should have a full 360 view of the whole battlefield,

on top of Meg’s POV.

LAUREL

(OVER COMMS)

Yeah I- kinda noticed that. It’s kind of a lot at once.

KIRBY

(OVER COMMS)

I know, so you’re gonna have to prioritize different

POVs at different times. Something weird catches your

eye on a camera, shout it out. It could be the

difference between life and death. Or in this case,

life and your girlfriend getting beaned in the face

with a kitchen sink.

LAUREL

(OVER COMMS)

Err... Good thing I took my ADD medication today.

CONNIE

You’re gonna do great babe! I trust you. Besides, if I

can get punched in the teeth by a giant robot or stepped

on by a giant-er woman, I think I can handle a kitchen

sink or two.

LAUREL

(OVER COMMS)

Queen-Sized stepped on you??

CONNIE

Y’know, not as fun as you’d expect.

KIRBY

(OVER COMMS)

Alright, we’re burning daylight. Think you can handle

all this, Monarch?

LAUREL

(OVER COMMS)

Won’t know until I try, I suppose.

KIRBY

(OVER COMMS)

In that case. Smithy? You’re up.

LIGHTSMITH

With gusto, friend Kirby! Let me just get into

character, real quick.

(CLEARS THROAT)

(BOOMING)

Megaton Girl! You have chosen the path of wickedness,

and now you face the mistress of the sun! My powers of

conjuration rival the gods themselves and you shall

feel the full force of my wrath!

(NORMAL)

How was that?

CONNIE

Love it!

LIGHTSMITH

(SQUEE)

This is gonna be fun. Oh, by the way! It is my duty now

to inform you that the safe word is...

(BOOMING)

Banana!

CONNIE

Safe word?

SOUND: SPARKLING AND SHIMMERING EXPLOSION

LIGHTSMITH

Behold!

SOUND: SEMI FALLING

CONNIE

Uhhhhhh behold... what? I don’t see what the-

LAUREL

(OVER COMMS)

Truck!!

CONNIE

Huh?!

SOUND: CONNIE DODGES THE TRUCK, JUST BARELY

CONNIE

(DODGE)

Holy shit!

LIGHTSMITH

On your toes!

SOUND: SPARKLING AND SHIMMERING EXPLOSION

CONNIE

Shit where is it-

LAUREL

(OVER COMMS)

Left!

CONNIE

Got it!

SOUND: CONNIE PUNCHES A PIECE OF MACHINERY

CONNIE

Whew! Y’know for objects made out of light, they

certainly don’t feel very light.

LAUREL

(OVER COMMS)

Are you okay?

CONNIE

Oh yeah. Keep ’em coming!

LIGHTSMITH

As you wish!

(BOOMING)

Increasing difficulty!

SOUND: THREE SHIMMERING POPS

LAUREL

(OVER COMMS)

Uh- Incoming from the left and behind you!

CONNIE

Yep!

(DODGING TWICE)

SOUND: AN ALARMCLOCK ZIPS BY, FOLLOWED BY A CERAMIC DOLL

THAT SAYS "MAMA"

LAUREL

(OVER COMMS)

Wait I could have sworn I heard a third- Shit! Above

You!

CONNIE

Huh-?

SOUND: A STEAMROLLER LANDS ON CONNIE

KIRBY

(OVER COMMS)

Was... Was that a steamroller?

LAUREL

(OVER COMMS)

Yare yare…

LIGHTSMITH

Perhaps I went a bit too hard.

CONNIE

(GRUNTING)

SOUND: STEAMROLLER GETS SHOVED OFF

LAUREL

(OVER COMMS)

Are you okay, babe?

CONNIE

(STRETCHING)

Don’t worry about me! Like I said, I can take it.

LAUREL

(OVER COMMS)

Sorry, still getting used to processing all of this

visual information at once. Even on my meds it’s a lot.

KIRBY

(OVER COMMS)

It’d be a lot for anyone. You’re actually doing way

better than I expected for a first timer. Just breathe

and focus.

LAUREL

(OVER COMMS)

(MEDITATIVE BREATHING)

KIRBY

(OVER COMMS)

Good, good. Since Megaton Girl’s as powerful as she is,

you can focus on the bigger threats, since those are

far more likely to slow her down than a couple of small

Threats.

LAUREL

(OVER COMMS)

That makes sense, yeah.

KIRBY

(OVER COMMS)

That said, if there’s 50 small threats and one big

threat, clear out the smaller threats first. Don’t let

her get overwhelmed.

LAUREL

(OVER COMMS)

Okay.

KIRBY

(OVER COMMS)

We’re gonna take five and we’ll practice some of that

afterward, alright?

LAUREL

(OVER COMMS)

Yeah, yeah. Sounds good.

KIRBY

(OVER COMMS)

Alright. Lightsmith?

LIGHTSMITH

Yes, friend Kirby!

KIRBY

(OVER COMMS)

See if Shadowthing can sub in for a bit. This next

match is gonna need his skill set.

LIGHTSMITH

But of course! I’m sure he’ll have a rousing good time!

KIRBY

(OVER COMMS)

Great. Gonna grab some water. You want some?

LAUREL

(OVER COMMS)

Yes, please.

KIRBY

You got it.

SOUND: KIRBY STEPS AWAY FROM THE COMPUTER

LAUREL

(DEEP SLOW BREATHING)

CONNIE

Babe? You okay?

LAUREL

(OVER COMMS)

Y- Yeah I’m good just. It’s so different when I’m the

one calling the shots. I know you trust me, and I trust

you from the bottom of my heart, but-

(SIGH)

I’m worried that I’ll fuck up and you’ll get hurt

because of me.

CONNIE

Babe. The whole time I’ve had powers, I’ve worried the

same thing about myself. Like, what if I’m not strong

enough to save you. What if I fuck up? But that just

motivates me more. It motivates me to do everything

that I possibly can to keep you safe. And I know that

you can do the same.

LAUREL

(OVER COMMS)

I hope so...

CONNIE

You can. You will. Just have some confidence. Believe

in yourself. And if you can’t, then well- I believe in

you, so you can have some Connie-fidence. Fuck yeah I’m an adjective!

Noun…? Pronoun… Verb?

LAUREL

(OVER COMMS)

(LAUGHTER)

Babe. That was-... just so dumb.

CONNIE

(CHUCKLES)

I know. But you know I’m right.

LAUREL

(OVER COMMS)

(CHUCKLING)

You are very right.

(DEEP BREATH)

We can do this.

CONNIE

Fuck the hell yes we can.

I love you.

LAUREL

(OVER COMMS)

And you know I love you, too, you fucking dork.

(SNIFFS UP SOME TEARS)

Alright. I’m gonna take a breather for a sec. Get my

head together. That okay?

CONNIE

Yeah, go for it, babe. I’ve gotta walk off a

Steamroller.

LAUREL

(OVER COMMS)

(CHUCKLES)

Okay. See you in a sec.

SOUND: NANOBOTS BEEP OUT

Scene 6

SOUND: CROWD CHEERING

CHUCK

Thank you, thank you! It is truly an honor for you all

to be saved by me!

(CHUCKLES ARROGANTLY)

If anybody has any questions-

SOUND: NANOBOTS BEEP

JULIAN

(OVER COMMS)

Roof. Now.

CHUCK

If- Uh- If anybody has any questions... Uh. Email ’em.

SOUND: CHUCK FLIES AWAY

SOUND: CROWD QUESTIONING

SOUND: CHUCK LANDS ON ROOF

CHUCK

What?! I was busy!

JULIAN

Busy stroking your ego.

SOUND: JULIAN LIGHTS A CIGARETTE

JULIAN

(TAKES A DRAG)

As usual.

CHUCK

Did you just pull me away so you could insult me?

JULIAN

If I wanted to insult you, I’d show you the pitiful

numbers you’ve been pulling in this week.

CHUCK

Get off my ass, my numbers are fine.

JULIAN

If your numbers were fine, you’d be the number one

subject this week. But you’re not.

CHUCK

I am always! Number one! She’s just a passing fad.

Everyone knows who the real champ is!

JULIAN

Who is she, Charles?

CHUCK

Who cares.

JULIAN

You should. Because this "passing fad" is going pass

you up if you don’t get your act together.

CHUCK

My "act" is fine.

JULIAN

Really? Because you smell like whiskey and five

different women’s perfumes. Wait.

(SNIFF)

Six.

CHUCK

What does my love life have to do with anything?

JULIAN

Love? Oh, Charles. Name one of them. Any of them.

CHUCK

Va... Vaness-...ica?

JULIAN

(SIGH)

I don’t care about your "love life." I care about your

rabid hedonism. You’ve let this all go to your thick

head. Because you don’t think anybody could pass you,

you think of that as a chance to let your guard down

and just do whatever the fuck you want and not care

about your numbers. Well, heads the fuck up, Charles.

You’ve been passed. And now I have to deal with it.

CHUCK

I can handle her myself.

JULIAN

No, you’ve already let her pass you. You should have

put her down before she became a problem.

(HE TAKES ANOTHER DRAG)

Now, she’s a problem that I have to deal with.

CHUCK

And how do you propose to do that?

JULIAN

We have to remind the world why you are the best. And

to do that, you’re going to have to save the world.

Again.

CHUCK

Easy enough.

JULIAN

Easy isn’t going to cut it. Not this time. This time,

you’ve got to go bigger.

CHUCK

Big... How big we talkin’?

JULIAN

Big enough to get the blessing you’ve been after for

twenty years.

CHUCK

...I’m listening.

Scene 7

KIRBY

(OVER COMMS)

You ready, Shadow?

SHADOWTHING

Sure. I guess.

KIRBY

(OVER COMMS)

Alright. For this next little test: Meg’s gonna be

sparring against some dummy villains created by

Shadowthing. Feel free to go all out, they’re just

projections. Monarch, you’re gonna watch Megs fight,

and come up with a battle strategy based on how they

Fight.

LAUREL

(OVER COMMS)

That sounds... easy enough?

CONNIE

It sounds fun as hell!

KIRBY

(OVER COMMS)

And Shadow? Feel free to crank up the volume and rip

the knob off. Megaton Girl can take anything you throw

at her.

SHADOWTHING

Oh neat. I get to flex today. Here goes.

SOUND: SHADOWMANCY

SOUND: SHADOW CREATURES SPAWN

CONNIE

Woah? What the hell are those?

SHADOWTHING

Shadowpuppets. They’re kinda my thing. Here, look I can

make a big boy, too.

SOUND: SHADOWMANCY

BIG BOY

Hello~!

SHADOWTHING

See? Big boy.

CONNIE

That is a big-ass boy..

SHADOWTHING

Yeah it’s pretty cool. I’m gonna chill by the

Magnanimous statue for a bit, kay?

CONNIE

O-Okay?

SHADOWTHING

Cool. Hey, puppets? Have fun. Or whatever. You’re

constructs. So. Yeah. Attack.

SOUND: SHADOW CREATURES CHARGE

CONNIE

(EXCITED)

Alright! Take the wheel, Monarch!

LAUREL

(OVER COMMS)

R-Right!

SOUND: CONNIE LAUNCHES AT THE SHADOW CREATURES

LAUREL

(OVER COMMS)

Okay, the HUD says that there are 50 of the smaller

creatures. Like Kirby said, let’s clear some of them

out first!

CONNIE

On it!

SOUND: CONNIE PLOWS INTO THE CLOUD OF PUPPETS

CONNIE

Who’s first?!

LAUREL

(OVER COMMS)

On your left!

CONNIE

Yeah!

SOUND: PUNCH

SOUND: SHADOW PUPPET EXPLODES

CONNIE

Oh yeah!!

LAUREL

(OVER COMMS)

Behind you!

CONNIE

Oop!

SOUND: DODGE

CONNIE

Back at’cha!

SOUND: PUNCH

SOUND: SHADOW PUPPET EXPLODES

CONNIE

Ha! Feels like punching cotton candy!

LAUREL

(OVER COMMS)

Two of ’em, seven o’clock!

CONNIE

Which direction is-

(PAIN GRUNT)

SOUND: TWO PUPPETS WHACK CONNIE

CONNIE

You motherfuckers!

SOUND: PUNCH

SOUND: SHADOW PUPPETS EXPLODE

CONNIE

Really gotta learn how to read the fucking analog clock.

SOUND: BIG BOY SWIPES SLOWLY

LAUREL

(OVER COMMS)

Big boy, incoming!

CONNIE

Shit!

SOUND: CONNIE DODGES BIG BOY

CONNIE

You are a big boy, aren’t you?!

BIG BOY

Big boooooy~!!

CONNIE

Haha. Aw.

LAUREL

(OVER COMMS)

On your right!

CONNIE

Fuck!

SOUND: CONNIE DODGES A PUPPET AND PUNCHES IT IN THE FACE

SOUND: SHADOW PUPPET EXPLODES

LAUREL

(OVER COMMS)

Lead them away from Big boy!

CONNIE

Gotcha!

SOUND: CONNIE ROCKETS AWAY

SOUND: SHADOW PUPPETS PURSUE

SOUND: BIG BOY CHASES AFTER

CONNIE

What’s the plan?

LAUREL

(OVER COMMS)

For now, just get some distance. You might be able to

blast them with your Gutbuster if you can line them up

Right.

CONNIE

I- I don’t know if I can! It hasn’t been working. I can

try though!

LAUREL

(OVER COMMS)

I’ll tell you when!

SOUND: SHADOW PUPPETS PURSUE

CONNIE

Now?

LAUREL

(OVER COMMS)

Not yeeet…

BIG BOY

Biiiiig boyy!!

CONNIE

Come on, y’all! Follow the pretty lady!

LAUREL

(OVER COMMS)

Now!

SOUND: CONNIE STOPS

CONNIE

Smile, bitches!

(DEEP INHALE)

(IMPOTENT GUTBUSTER YELL)

(BURP)
(ANOTHER IMPOTENT YELL)

...Fuck.

SOUND: SHADOW PUPPETS TACKLE CONNIE

LAUREL

(OVER COMMS)

Connie!!

SOUND: SHADOW PUPPETS START TO PUMMEL CONNIE

CONNIE

Oh... no... you don’t!

(PUSHES A BUNCH OF THEM OFF HER)

SOUND: CONNIE LEAPS INTO THE AIR

SOUND: SHADOW PUPPETS PURSUE

LAUREL

(OVER COMMS)

Are you okay?!

CONNIE

Yeah, I’m good! Their punches kinda feel like cotton

candy, too! I wonder if they taste like cotton candy…

SHADOWTHING

They don’t.

LAUREL

(OVER COMMS)

I’m sorry, I thought that would work.

KIRBY

(OVER COMMS)

Not every plan is gonna work exactly as you want it to.

Adapt. Improvise.

LAUREL

(OVER COMMS)

Right. Okay.

(DEEP BREATH)

I think I have an idea!

CONNIE

Hit me!

LAUREL

(OVER COMMS)

Lead them back to Big Boy!

CONNIE

You got it!

SOUND: CONNIE HEADS TOWARD BIG BOY

BIG BOY

BIG BOYYYY~!

LAUREL

(OVER COMMS)

Aggro him and see if he can take out some of the

puppets for you!

CONNIE

Huh? Oh! Ohohoh! I am on that shit!!

Hey Big Boy! Want some friends?!

BIG BOY

FRIENDS!!!!

LAUREL

(OVER COMMS)

Three... two... one... Dodge!

SOUND: CONNIE DODGES

SOUND: BIG BOY SLAMS A FIST INTO SEVERAL SHADOW PUPPETS,

TAKING OUT A NUMBER OF THEM

CONNIE

Nice shot big boy!

BIG BOY

(BASHFUL CHUCKLE)

Big Boy~.

LAUREL

(OVER COMMS)

Looks like that took out a bunch of them! You should

have less trouble getting to big boy!

CONNIE

Excellent! What’s the assessment on Big Boy?

LAUREL

(OVER COMMS)

I’ve been thinking about that. He’s got a lot of power

up top, but he’s been waddling around more than

walking. One good swift kick in the pants might bring

him down. Sweep the leg!

CONNIE

I can do that! COBRA KAI RULES!!

SOUND: CONNIE LAUNCHES AT BIG BOY

LAUREL

(OVER COMMS)

Puppets incoming on the right.

CONNIE

(DODGE)

Persistent aren’t they?!

SOUND: BIG BOY SWIPES SLOWLY

BIG BOY

Hello~!

CONNIE

Oh shit-

(DODGE)

I’ve had enough of you!

SOUND: CONNIE ATTACKS ONE MORE TIME

CONNIE

Have a nice trip!

SOUND: BIG BOY STARTS TO TOPPLE

CONNIE

I don’t remember the punchline!!

SOUND: BIG BOY HITS THE GROUND HARD

BIG BOY

(GRUNTS)

Hasta La Vista~!

SOUND: BIG BOY EXPLODES

CONNIE

Whew! That was a nice workout! ...I feel like I’m

forgetting something.

LAUREL

(OVER COMMS)

Behind you!

CONNIE

Huh?

SOUND: SHADOW PUPPETS SWIPE AT CONNIE

CONNIE

Oh right, there’s still like twelve of these dudes.

Alright, ready Monarch?

LAUREL

(OVER COMMS)

Ready!

SOUND: CONNIE LAUNCHES AT THE SHADOW PUPPETS

CONNIE

(BATTLECRY)

SOUND: NANOBOTS BEEP

CONNIE & LAUREL

Huh??

SOUND: CONNIE STOPS

CONNIE

Hey, Shadowthing, timeout!

SHADOWTHING

Sure.

SOUND: SHADOW PUPPETS POOF

CONNIE

What’s going on?

KIRBY

(OVER COMMS)

Alright, hope you two enjoyed that warmup, because it

looks like you’re getting a field test. We’ve got an

incident at the Bread Museum.

DRAMATIC CHOIR
Rye!!

CONNIE

Bread Museum...?

DRAMATIC CHOIR

Wheat!!

KIRBY

(OVER COMMS)

What? Yeah it’s apparently a museum... 

DRAMATIC CHOIR
Rye!!

KIRBY

For bread.

DRAMATIC CHOIR

Wheat!!

Kirby

That’s a thing.

CONNIE

I have to get there... Now!!

KIRBY

(OVER COMMS)

Uh…

CONNIE

Now!!

SHADOWTHING

I’ll come with you.

CONNIE

No. This is something I have to do myself…

KIRBY & SHADOWTHING

It is?

CONNIE

Destiny. It calls.

SOUND: MEGATON GIRL ROCKETS OFF

DRAMATIC CHOIR

PUMPERNICKEL!!

SHADOWTHING

Huh. Guess I’ll go get some soup.

Scene 7

SOUND: MEGATON GIRL FLIES IN

CONNIE

Laurel?

LAUREL

(OVER COMMS)

Yeah?

CONNIE

I think... I think this is what I was meant to do.

LAUREL

(OVER COMMS)

I’m so confused. What is going on?

SOUND: MEDIUM RANGE EXPLOSION

CONNIE

Hold that thought!

SOUND: MEGATON GIRL LANDS

CONNIE

Is everybody alright?!

(SNIFF SNIFF)

Oh my god... It smells even better in person

MUSEUM DOCENT

Megaton Girl, thank god! You’ve gotta stop her before

it’s too late!

CONNIE

Oh I will! Get to safety!

MUSEUM DOCENT

Y-Yes, ma’am!

SOUND: DOCENT RUNS TO SAFETY

CONNIE

It’s time to face... destiny.

LAUREL

(OVER COMMS)

What’s going on? What destiny?

CONNIE

You’ll see…

SOUND: MEGATON GIRL LEAPS FORWARD

CONNIE

Gimmie gimmie gimmie gimmie-!

GRILLMASTER

So... Megaton Girl. We meet in the flesh.

CONNIE

Grillmaster! I’m ready to face whatever delicious

monstrosity you’ve cooked up!

GRILLMASTER

(CACKLES)

Oh this isn’t going to go the way you think. That dream

of yours was just a test to see how you handled

yourself. But now I know you. I know your thoughts. I

know your battle strategy. And I have concocted a being

the likes of which even you couldn’t stomach. Behold!

The Super Sized Hell Hoagie From Super Hell!

SOUND: SUPER HELL HOAGIE STOMPS OUT AND ROARS

KIRBY

(OVER COMMS)

What.

LAUREL

(OVER COMMS)

The fuck.

CONNIE

Oh my god it’s real. It’s here! And it is so! Fucking

Mine!!

GRILLMASTER

Attack!

SOUND: SUPER HELL HOAGIE CHARGES

CONNIE

Come to mommy you b-

(GUTBUSTER YELL)

SOUND: GUTBUSTER FIRES

SOUND: SUPER HELL HOAGIE ROARS AS IT DISINTEGRATES

CONNIE

Wh- Wait.

LAUREL

(OVER COMMS)

How shit you did it!!

KIRBY

(OVER COMMS)

What the hell even happened.

GRILLMASTER

How?! How could you have so easily defeated my most

powerful creation?!

CONNIE

N-no... Why now, Gutbuster?! Motherfucking shit fuck!!

I wanted to eat it I’m so hungryyyy!

LAUREL

(OVER COMMS)

Well- Uh... At least you won?

CONNIE

But at what cost...?

GRILLMASTER

I-... I can’t believe it... You truly bested me....

CONNIE

Make Another.

GRILLMASTER

Wut.

CONNIE

Make another big sandwich damnit!

GRILLMASTER

Uhhh... I can only do that spell once every Millennia.

CONNIE

Fuck!! Ugh!! Son of a bitch!! FUCK!!

KIRBY

(OVER COMMS)

...How about we just go to Moishe’s Deli?

CONNIE

Oh yeah that works!

Hey does anybody know what prison I take an interplanar

demon to?

Scene 8

SOUND: CONNIE WALKS INTO THE DELI

KIRBY

Ah there she is.

LAUREL

Hey babe!

CONNIE

Sorry, for the wait. Had to drop off Grillmaster and

get changed.

RIVER

Good to see you off duty.

CONNIE

Yeah! Good to uh.

(WHISPERS)

Who are you?

KIRBY

Connie, meet River. Lightsmith and Shadowthing’s main

Personality.

CONNIE

Woah! Hey, nice to meet you!

RIVER

Likewise! Shadow and Smithy are around too, a bit in

the background, y’know? I wanted to meet you and Laurel

in person. Well as me at least. You two did a really

bang up job today. Top shelf work.

LAUREL

Th-thank you!

CONNIE

I just punched things. Laurel did the hard part!

LAUREL

Oh stop.

RIVER

She’s not wrong, y’know! Being the gal in the big chair

is one hell of a tough gig. Takes a cool head and a

quick wit. You got both in droves!

LAUREL

I- Thank you? Thank you! I’m still kinda reeling from

the lesson a bit. It was a lot of pressure on my first

Day.

KIRBY

Well as time goes on, you two will get more and more in

sync. It helps that you two are as close as you are,

you’ve got one hell of a head start.

SOUND: MOISHE WALKS IN

MOISHE

Hey! Full house! Soup’s on!

KIRBY

Ah! Just the man I wanted to see. Connie, Laurel. Got

one more person for you to meet.

CONNIE

I already like him, since he’s carrying food.

KIRBY

Yes I know. Meet my oldest friend, Moishe Edelstein.

MOISHE

And still not as old as you, Kirby!

(CHUCKLES)

Pleasure to meet you ladies!

LAUREL

Hi! Laurel Fitz.

CONNIE

Connie!

RIVER

Great to see you, Moishe. How’ve you been?

MOISHE

Eh! Moving slower, but I’m still kicking.

(CHUCKLES)

Business has been a little slow too, but the folks who

do come leave happy.

SOUND: HE STARTS TO SET PLATES DOWN

MOISHE

Now let’s see here. Kirby and River, I got your usual

Orders.

RIVER

Moishe’s famous Matzo Ball Soup. Ha!

MOISHE

And for the lovely couple, one club sandwich for the

gal in the big chair.

LAUREL

Thank you!

MOISHE

And for the big gal in the chair, next to the gal in

the big chair, a corned beef Reuben!

CONNIE

Ohhhh my goooooood. Moishe. Sir. You and I are going to

be best friends.

MOISHE

Well, I always appreciate an appetite! Now then! Eat, eat!

Be merry!

CONNIE

Oh you don’t have to tell me twice.

(CONNIE DIGS IN)

MOISHE

Oh and Laurel.

LAUREL

Hm?

MOISHE

How’s the chair? Still comfy?

LAUREL

Way comfier than expected.

MOISHE

Good to hear! I was worried Kirby’d let that thing fall

Apart.

KIRBY

Nah, I couldn’t let that thing fall apart. Too many

good memories.

MOISHE

Real good memories... You take care of it, too,

Alright?

LAUREL

O-Of course!

MOISHE

Oh and uh. I got something.

SOUND: MOISHE DIGS INTO HIS APRON

LAUREL

What’s this?

MOISHE

The manual for those glasses.

SOUND: HE STARTS TO WALK AWAY

MOISHE

You need it more than me!

LAUREL

I- Thank you!

KIRBY

Oh that’s where that thing was. I was wondering where-

Connie, where’s my soup?

CONNIE

What?! Why would you ask me? What reason could you

possibly have for-

RIVER

Connie ate it.

CONNIE

Okay yeah, I did.

KIRBY

(SIGHS)

Moishe. Another round please.

Credits

Scene 9

KIRBY

(SNORRING)

SOUND: KIRBY’S PHONE RINGS

KIRBY

(STIRS)

What the-

SOUND: PHONE BEEP

KIRBY

Nora?

NORA

(OVER COMMS)

William.

KIRBY

Sooooo... Is there a reason you’re calling or?

NORA

(OVER COMMS)

I have been considering your proposal to help this new

hero of yours. And as much as I would prefer to never

return to that distusting hell hole of a planet... The

fate of the universe far outweighs any feelings I might

have about the past.

KIRBY

I-... I don’t know what to say.

NORA

(OVER COMMS)

You could start with a thank you.

KIRBY

Y-Yes, definitely, thank you.

NORA

(OVER COMMS)

Good.

KIRBY

So when will you be here?

NORA

(OVER COMMS)

Oh don’t worry. I’m already here.

KIRBY

What?? Where?

NORA

(OVER COMMS)

Outside her bedroom window.

SOUND: NORA KNOCKS ON THE GLASS, OVER COMMS

CONNIE

(OVER COMMS)

(STIRRING IN HER SLEEP)

Ugh... WHO THE FU-

SOUND:

DIAL TONE AS NORA HANGS UP, CUTTING CONNIE OFF

KIRBY

Oh shit.

End of episode