Episode 2 - Queen-Sized Smackdown

Megaton Girl Episode 2 - Queen Sized Smackdown

Created, Written and Directed by Austin Lee Matthews

Featuring

Amanda Kay as Connie

Michelle Deco as Laurel

Jason Marnocha as Kirby

Mark Allen Jr as The Wrangler

Danielle McRae as Queen-Sized

PM Seymour as Captain Valiant

Dino Andrade as The Bee Keeper

Tiana Camacho as Nora (@TianaCamachoVO)

And Austin Lee Matthews as Lawrence the Bee

Music and Sound Mixing by Austin Lee Matthews

Character Design by Ama Schwindenhammer, Austin Lee Matthews and Jeremy Wysterradi
Cover Art by Austin Lee Matthews

Character Portraits by Jeremy Wysterradi
Backgrounds by Ama Schwindenhammer

Extra special thanks to our ever faithful Patrons:

BigMountainCat, Christopher Craft, Jazzy Oliver, Kyle Edmond, Liam Ware, LookWhosFhtagn(feh-TAUG-en), Matthew Byas, Maybe A Cat, Nikki S, Saiou, SapphireClaw, SeriouslyFunny, Steven Anderson, and Warzy Raptor

Big shout out to our guest stars this episode: Dino, Mark, Danielle and Tiana. I appreciate all of you, and thank you for lending your voices to this show. 

Megaton Girl is copyright Austin Lee Matthews 2021

Transcript

0:00 [RECAP]

Scene 1

THE BEEKEEPER
Yes! Cower, you pathetic mortals, you! Your honey glazed doom has arrived. You will all feel the Beekeeper’s sting of vengeance! Take them, my fuzzy, buzzy friends!

CONNIE
Fuck! You weren’t kidding about the size of these bees, Kirb.

KIRBY
Hope you ain’t allergic.

CONNIE
I’ve never been stung so. . . I don’t think I am?

KIRBY
Well. One way to find out.

CONNIE
How?

KIRBY
It’ll come to you.

CONNIE
. . .Oh! Oh! Oh...

CONNIE
What the hell is uuup, Bumble Bee-yotch?!

THE BEEKEEPER
Who dares to undermine my hive?!

CONNIE
Megaton Girl!

THE BEEKEEPER
Who?!

CONNIE
Megaton Girl!

THE BEEKEEPER
What Girl?!

CONNIE
Mega! Ton! Girl!

THE BEEKEEPER
Uh, okay! You too shall feel the sting of my fury,
Meatbun Girl!

CONNIE
Megaton Girl, god damn it!!

THE BEEKEEPER
What was that about a dog?!

CONNIE
I fucking said-

THE BEEKEEPER
Uh, could you just come a little closer, please?!

CONNIE
Ugh! Fine!

THE BEEKEEPER
And Lawrence!

LAWRENCE
[Buzz??]

THE BEEKEEPER
Please! Use your inside buzz!

LAWRENCE
[Buzz buzz.]

THE BEEKEEPER
Ah! Thank you, darling, ja.

CONNIE
Better?

THE BEEKEEPER
Much better! Okay so, uh, your name is?

CONNIE
Megaton Girl.

THE BEEKEEPER
Megaton Girl! Okay, see! That makes more sense. I was
like "Meatbun Girl? Okaaay if you say so." Like what
would your powers be?

CONNIE
I wish I had Meatbun Powers! I’m starving!

THE BEEKEEPER
Ah! Me too! Mein god, I have such a schedule to keep, what with
the whole "returning the planet to an insectoid
paradise," and all that. But I could absolutely go for a
burger, with the little pickles with the little crinkle cut on them, it's so tasty I love those things, ja.

CONNIE
Oh man, I would kill for a- Insecticide what now? Oh,
right. Super villain.

THE BEEKEEPER
(GRUNT)
Oh, right. Superhero. To me, mein swarm! Wow that hurt.

CONNIE
Oh, beans.

THE BEEKEEPER
[Maniacal laugh]
Nothing can prepare you for the wrath of mein swarm,
Megaton Girl! They shall drain you of your nectar und
annihilate the human race.

CONNIE
Ew! Ew... Good thing I’ve got a built in bug zapper!
Raaaah!! Uh. . .
(INHALE)
Raaaaaaaaah-...! Ahem. Hey, Gutbuster? You awake in there,
buddy?

THE BEEKEEPER
Um. S'cuse me. Why are you talking to your stomach?

CONNIE
Just one little sec.

THE BEEKEEPER
Oh, by all means. Take your time.

CONNIE
Thanks. Hey Kirby.

KIRBY
What’s going on? Laser those bugs already!

CONNIE
I still don’t know what I do to trigger it! Any ideas?

KIRBY
I mean you’ve got flyswatters.

CONNIE
I do?

KIRBY
Left hook, right hook.

CONNIE
. . .This is gonna take a while.

KIRBY
Hope you stretched.

THE BEEKEEPER
Um. . .  Regarding our little kerfuffle here. Um. Are we gonna fight, now or what?

CONNIE
Yeah, yeah just uh- Just psyching myself up! Here I
come!
(BATTLECRY)

Scene 2

CONNIE
Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.

LAUREL
I can’t believe you got stung 56 times.

CONNIE
57. Ow.

LAUREL
Wow.

CONNIE
At least- ow- Now I know that I’m not- ow- allergic.
Ow.

LAUREL
Seriously. What was Kirby thinking?

CONNIE
I mean- ow- Trial by FUCK! ...tender spot...

LAUREL
Sorry. Alright, stand up and turn around so I can make
sure I got all of them.

CONNIE
Owowowowow...

LAUREL
Oop, missed one.

CONNIE
YEEOUCH! Ohhh my god...

LAUREL
Okay! Looks like that’s the last of them! I’ll be right
back with some ointment.

CONNIE
Oh, bless you. Fuck, I need like a full body cast made
of aloe.

LAUREL
That’s the plan! At least you put that guy behind bars. I’m proud of
you, hon.

CONNIE
Thanks, babe. Ow ow ow.

LAUREL
I can’t find the aloe.

CONNIE
Did you look behind the rubbing alcohol?

LAUREL
Uhhh... Ah, there it is. Thank you.

CONNIE
Yaaaaaay.

LAUREL
(Grunts)
Good thing we bought the industrial-sized bottle. Okay,
T-pose for me and I’ll start applying it.

CONNIE
Ow ow ow.

LAUREL
Okay this is gonna be cold, but it should help.

CONNIE
OH. YEP. COLD. AAAAGH,

LAUREL
Hold still if you can. This is gonna take a while.

CONNIE
[Groaning]

KIRBY
Hey kid, how ya holding up?

CONNIE
[Groaning]

KIRBY
Neat. Anyway I just got off the phone with an old pal
of mine and it looks like I have your first two
teachers lined up.

CONNIE
[Groaning]

KIRBY
Uhhh, okay I’m gonna put you on speaker.

KIRBY
Laurel, you there?

LAUREL
Oh hey, Kirby. What’s up?

KIRBY
Why is Connie uhhhhhhhh-ing?

LAUREL
I’m treating her beestings.

KIRBY
Oooo... Well, I’ll just tell you both then. I got a couple of
teachers lined up for Connie, first thing tomorrow
morning.

LAUREL
Oh great!

KIRBY
Yeah, I managed to get a hold of one of my old clients,
and he said that he and his wife could come on over
from Australia to give Connie a few pointers. I think
Con’s gonna get a lot out of this.

LAUREL
Australia? Wait, did you get-?!

KIRBY
Ah ah, I want to keep this a surprise.

LAUREL
Okay, okay! But oh gosh, Connie you’re in for a treat!

CONNIE
[The groaning continues]

LAUREL
Oh, right, sorry.

KIRBY
Have Connie meet us at the north end of the beach at
7AM. And she better be ready for a workout.

LAUREL
I’ll make sure she’s as ready as she can be!

KIRBY
Alright. I’m hanging up now because that noise Connie
is making is aggravating my tinnitus. Kirby out.

CONNIE
Woah, I totally zoned out there, what happened?

LAUREL
I’ll tell you when I’m done. Now, turn around so I can
start on your back.

CONNIE
Oh, yeah...

CONNIE
Oh god this is even worse!

LAUREL
I know, sweetie.

CONNIE
Ehhh it’s so gross..
[The groaning begins anew]

LAUREL
Aaaaand she’s started again...

Scene 3

CONNIE
Ugghh. Early.

KIRBY
This is nothing, I’ve been awake since 4:30.

CONNIE
Ugh...

KIRBY
Wake up, they’ll be here any minute.

CONNIE
Who am I meeting again?

KIRBY
Just a couple of old friends, you’ll see.

CONNIE
Could you stop, like, vague-posting for five seconds and just-

CONNIE
...What the hell is going on?

KIRBY
Ah, that’d be them.

GLORIA
G’Day!

CONNIE
Holy shit! Giant woman!

IRWIN
How ya goin’, Kirb?

KIRBY
Hey, guys! Thanks for getting here so soon.

IRWIN
’Course, mate! It’s like a 30 minute swim from Sydney
for the Mrs.!

GLORIA
Besides, you’re family. We’re happy to help.

IRWIN
Be down in a tick! Look out below!
Woohoo!

IRWIN
So! You must be the newbie!

CONNIE
(BIG FANGIRL GASP)

KIRBY
Get it together kid.

IRWIN
They call me The Wrangler! And this is my wife! She’s-

CONNIE
Big!!

KIRBY
Yes.

CONNIE
She big!!

KIRBY
Yes, big. Reel it in.

CONNIE
But, Kirby!!

KIRBY
Reel it in!

CONNIE
She really fucking big!!

KIRBY
Sorry, she’s... New.

GLORIA
It’s fine, Kirb! It’s pretty refreshing to see somebody
this excited to see me.

IRWIN
Yeah, people usually clear the way when she shows up!
’Cept for me o’ course! I come runnin’ to give her a
big ol’ smooch! Anyway, newbie! what’s your handle?

CONNIE
Hi, I’m Megaton Girl and your wife is fucking
ginormous!!

GLORIA
200 meters tall, last I checked! That’s why they call
me Queen-Sized back home!

CONNIE
Because you're very big!!

KIRBY
Back to Earth, please.

CONNIE
Sorry, just-

KIRBY
Big. Yes. Focus please.

CONNIE
BIG...

IRWIN
So, Megaton Girl! Kirby says you need a little help
with the heroics.

GLORIA
We’ve been at this for a couple of decades, so if
you’ve got anything you wanna know, just ask!

CONNIE
Okay, awesome! First question: How do I get that big? I
drink plenty of milk so-

KIRBY
Focus.

CONNIE
Big.

KIRBY
FOCUS!
(SIGH)
I actually want you two to teach her something very
specific.

IRWIN
What’cha got in mind?

KIRBY
Megaton Girl might just be the strongest hero in the
world. Definitely as strong as Captain Valiant, maybe
as strong as Magnanimous.

IRWIN
Magnanimous? That’s a pretty big claim, Kirb.

KIRBY
You’ll believe me when you see her in action. But she’s
never had the chance to fight anything too much bigger
than herself. So, I want to make sure she’s prepared.
Been a while since we’ve had a giant monster attack, so
we’re probably past due for a big one.

CONNIE
Big?!

KIRBY
...She’s... got the strength and the enthusiasm, but if she
went toe to toe with a kaiju right now, it probably
wouldn’t go well.

IRWIN
Well, I think we are definitely equipped to help with
that! Right, hon?

GLORIA
You’re darn right! You’ve got the help of the two
greatest kaiju hunters in the world!

CONNIE
Wait a sec. . . Did you two take down the Mega Mandrill
that attacked Paris a few years ago?!

IRWIN
Yep! Been wrestling the beasties for years! It’s
actually how Queenie and I met.

GLORIA
We met in Sydney back in the 90s. We took down a couple
of Vampire Tyrannosauruses, and we just- y’know,
clicked! After we handed those fuckers their asses,
Wrangler hogtied one of them with his lasso, and I gave
him my phone number while I had the other one in a
choke hold.

IRWIN
She wrote it in Vampire T-Rex blood!

CONNIE
Awww that’s so romantic! You two are like. . . goals.
Actual goals.

KIRBY
Alright, alright, we’re losing daylight. I’m gonna be
keeping an eye on y’all from the cheap seats. Think you
can hold it together long enough to learn a few things
from these two?

CONNIE
Kirby, please. I am the picture of professionalism. Okay?

KIRBY
Hilarious. Alright! She’s all yours!

IRWIN
Righto! Come on, newbie! Let’s get started.

GLORIA
We’ve got a lot of stuff to cover, so I hope you’re
ready for anything.

CONNIE
Teach me your ways, o’ colossal one.

Scene 4
LAUREL
Mr. Bradford?

CHUCK
Come in.

CHUCK
Ah, Loren. Got the puff piece about the karaoke cat
ready for me?

LAUREL
Laurel, and yes, but-

CHUCK
Uh-uh, no buts. You’re already on thin enough ice. Let
me see it.

LAUREL
... Yes, sir.

CHUCK
Let’s take a look.

CHUCK
Wow. . .
(Sniff)
I’m really feeling something resembling. . . a positive
feeling looking at pictures of this uncomfortable
looking cat in a bow-tie. 
(Gets composure)
If you keep this up, maybe we can talk about you
covering superheroes again.

LAUREL
Actually, sir that’s kind of what I wanted to talk
about. See, in my free time, I’ve been working on an
article I wanted you to take a look at.

CHUCK
Another article? Oh good, did you go back and give
Captain Valiant a few more abs? Atta girl!

LAUREL
N-not exactly. See I was looking into covering another
hero.

CHUCK
Another hero?

LAUREL
Yeah, yes! A new hero, Megaton Girl! She debuted
yesterday and-

CHUCK
Abso-fucking-lutely not. We are not putting that bitch
anywhere on the site. She is no hero. She’s just a
cheap knockoff of Captain Valiant.

LAUREL
But, sir-

CHUCK
I said no.

LAUREL
Hear me out!

CHUCK
Don’t you dare raise your voice at me!

LAUREL
(Deep breath)
You asked me to cover Human Interest stories. The
public interest in Megaton Girl has been sky-high for
the last 24 hours. I’m sure if you let me publish my
piece-

CHUCK
Not in a million fucking years. We only cover heroes
that matter, and you’ve just guaranteed that you will
cover none of them during your time here.

LAUREL
But-

CHUCK
But me one more time, Lori, and I swan to John you you
will never work in this business again!

LAUREL
(SIGH)
Yes, sir.

CHUCK
That’s more like it. Now, I am going to go back to my
job. And I expect you to do yours. Only. Yours. Are we
clear?

LAUREL
...Yes, sir.

CHUCK
Good! Now, I just got wind of a new story about a dog
that sings karaoke too! You can get a head start on a
list of the Top 10 Best Animals That Make Noises in a
Way That Barely Resembles Music. That’ll show Bob and Linda
at Scuttlebutt Dailies who’s boss. HA! Assholes!

LAUREL
(SIGHS)
Right away, sir.

LAUREL
What was I thinking? I can’t stand up to him, he’d
probably kill me. Probably get away with it, too.
Connie’s gonna be so disappointed. . . .unless.
No that’s stupid. He’d definitely kill me, then! ...if
he found out. Hmmm. . . Fuck it.

LAUREL
This is dumb. This is dumb. This is dumb. This is dumb!

Scene 5

IRWIN
Ready, love?

GLORIA
Of course! Warmed up on the way over here, after all.

IRWIN
Ripper! Alright, newbie. For this first lesson, all you
have to do is knock my wife down.

CONNIE
But. But she seems really nice. I don’t wanna hurt her.

GLORIA
Oh, come on! Just a friendly little spar! Besides, you
couldn’t hurt me if you tried, ya wee fuck. Come and have a
go, if you think you’re hard enough!!

CONNIE
...I’m over it.
(BATTLECRY)

GLORIA
Aw that’s real cute!

CONNIE
[Connie gets kicked in the gut and is sent flying, a la Team Rocket]

GLORIA
Oops.

IRWIN
Huh. I think you may have given her a bit too much
juice there, love.

GLORIA
Oh, here she’s coming back around. I’ll catch her.

CONNIE
(OOF!)
What the hell just happened?

IRWIN
Just a little round-the-globe trip, courtesy of Queen
Sized Airlines. Be thankful she caught you on your
first go around. I was in orbit for a few hours first
time she did that to me.

GLORIA
So now you know, coming at me like that isn’t gonna do
much good. Someone of your size fighting something as
big as me head on is gonna end like that 9 times out of
10.

CONNIE
What about the other 1?

GLORIA
Death!

CONNIE
Comforting!

IRWIN
So this time, duck around a bit. Zig-zag, y’know? When
you start to zig, ya gotta zag on ’em!

CONNIE
Zig-zag. Zig-zag.
Okay, I can do that. Let’s go again!

GLORIA
Right, then! Come at me!

CONNIE
(BATTLECRY)
(Connie is smacked by Queen-Sized again and sent flying)

IRWIN
She didn’t zig-zag.

GLORIA
Nope.

Scene 6

LAUREL
(INHALE, EXHALE)
Okay Laurel. You can do this. I mean who’s gonna find
out? And even then, if Chuck finds out, it’s just my
job on the line. And my life. Because he’d definitely
kill me. But I can do this! Just gotta come up with a
decent alias to write under and-

CONNIE
(Flies by screaming)

LAUREL
Hm?
Must have been the wind.

CONNIE
(Flies by screaming)

LAUREL
What the-

LAUREL
What on Earth is that sound-

CONNIE
Hi Laurel!

LAUREL
Connie?!

CONNIE
Hope you’re-

CONNIE
Having-

CONNIE
A better-

CONNIE
day than-

CONNIE
I’m having!

LAUREL
...Sounds like it’s going well.
Holy shit, I was right! Her teacher is Queen-Sized!
That’s amazing! Hm... I can come back to this later. I
have to watch this up close!

Scene 7

CONNIE
[Lands on her butt]

IRWIN
Ready to try the zig-zag yet?

CONNIE
Yeah I think... uh... I think I’ll try that!

GLORIA
I think that’d be a big help.

CONNIE
Okay... Zag on ’em... Zag on ’em.

CONNIE
Zag on this!!

CONNIE
[Dodge]

GLORIA
Huh?

CONNIE
(PUNCH)

GLORIA
(OOF!!!)
(SHE LAUGHS PROUDLY)

CONNIE
I did it!

GLORIA
There you go!

CONNIE
Alright! Let’s go again! I’m gonna zag so hard that-

IRWIN
Actually now it’s time for the second part of the
lesson.

CONNIE
Wait there's a second part of the-
(Connie gets stomped by Queen-Sized)

IRWIN
Keeping your guard up!

CONNIE
Cheap... Shot...

GLORIA
Kaiju ain’t gonna play fair. You gotta stay on your
guard until the monster is secured.

IRWIN
Even if ya think it’s unconscious, ya gotta keep your
wits about ya!

CONNIE
Noted...

CONNIE
(Stretches)

IRWIN
Ready for lesson three?

CONNIE
What’s lesson three?

GLORIA
You’re gonna bench press me!

CONNIE
...Can we take five, first?

Scene 8

LAUREL
(HUMMING SOFTLY)

GROWTH SQUIRT
(Chirp)

LAUREL
Hm?

 GROWTH SQUIRT
(Chirp)

LAUREL
Oh my gosh you are so cute!

 GROWTH SQUIRT
(Chirp)

LAUREL
You’re like a cat, dog, bunny, ferret and chinchilla
all wrapped up in an adorable ball of adorability!

 GROWTH SQUIRT
(Chirp)

LAUREL
Aww hahaha, what is it little guy? You lost?

 GROWTH SQUIRT
(Chirp)

LAUREL
Do you want me to follow you?

 GROWTH SQUIRT
(Chirp)

LAUREL
Do you... do you just want me to pet you...?

 GROWTH SQUIRT
(Chirp)

LAUREL
OHHH Okay I’m gonna pet you!

 GROWTH SQUIRT
(Chirp)

LAUREL
Haaaaaaaaaaaah you’re so soft! Say, what are you
anyway?

 GROWTH SQUIRT
(Chirp)

LAUREL
Let’s see... Cute... Fuzzy... Ball...

LAUREL
Hmmmm... Maybe I’m looking it up wrong... Let’s try
very cute fuzzy ball...

 GROWTH SQUIRT
(Chirp)

LAUREL
Hmm? What’s up little guy?

 GROWTH SQUIRT
(Chirp)

LAUREL
Are you hungry?

 GROWTH SQUIRT
(Chirp)

LAUREL
Well, I think I have some granola or something in my
purse...

LAUREL
Oh darn it, I grabbed one of Connie’s extra spicy beef
sticks instead. Ugh, these things give me ulcers...

 GROWTH SQUIRT
(Chirp)

LAUREL
No little guy, this is too spicy for-
(YELP)

 GROWTH SQUIRT
(Eats the beefstick, greedily)

LAUREL
Wow. You even ate the wrapper.

 GROWTH SQUIRT
(Grumbles)

LAUREL
Oh no, was it too spicy? That’s why we look before we
eat, okay?

 GROWTH SQUIRT
(Angy chirp)

LAUREL
Come on, let’s get you something a bit better for you,
okay?

LAUREL
Come on, little one.

 GROWTH SQUIRT
(Transforms)

LAUREL
Hm? What the...? Did you just get bigger...?

 GROWTH SQUIRT
(Chirp)

LAUREL
...I must be imagining things.

 GROWTH SQUIRT
(Transforms) 

LAUREL
Nope, definitely bigger.

 GROWTH SQUIRT
(Deep chirp) 

LAUREL
Okay, you’re... still kinda cute. But uh...

  GROWTH SQUIRT
(Transforms & roars & chirps) 

LAUREL
Okay, that’s less cute

Scene 9

CONNIE
Thirty-Seven... Thirty-Eight... Thirty... ugh...
Nine...

GLORIA
Come on, you can do it!

CONNIE
Fuh-... Forrr-... Fuhhhhh-!
(Connie loses her grip, causing Queen-Sized to fall on her)

CONNIE
(MUFFLED ANNOYED YELL)

KIRBY
(LAUGHING HIS FUCKING HEAD OFF)

GLORIA
Huh? You okay down there?

CONNIE
Get your ass off me!

GLORIA
Oh!

CONNIE
(GASPING FOR AIR)

GLORIA
Almost made it to forty on your first try! That’s
incredible!

CONNIE
Y-yeah?

GLORIA
Even better than Wrangler!

IRWIN
I could barely do one, my first try! You’re a natural!

CONNIE
Thanks! Wow, I didn’t realize how strong I actually
was.

IRWIN
And you’ll only get stronger if you-

[Phone rings]

CONNIE
Oop, just a sec.

KIRBY
Is that an actual cell phone?

CONNIE
...Yeah?

KIRBY
You have nanobots inside you for a reason.

CONNIE
Look, we’ll discuss getting the robotic butterflies in
my tummy on the family plan later, okay?

CONNIE
Hey, babe! What’s up?

LAUREL
Hiiiii, sweetiiiie. So uh. Funny story.

LAUREL
(OVER PHONE, NERVOUS)
So I met this really cute animal today. And I tried to
make friends with it.

CONNIE
Awww, that’s so cute! Did you get to give it some belly
rubs?

LAUREL
...funny that you say that actually! Because uh... I’m
kinda... Well... in. it’s belly.

CONNIE
Aw that’s cute- WAIT WHAT?!

LAUREL
I-It started off so cute and then I gave it one of your
spicy beef sticks and it started to grow and before I
could get away it swallowed me!

CONNIE
Are you okay?!

LAUREL
I am, but I don’t know how long I have!

CONNIE
Fuck! Fuck! Okay try to calm down, alright? Where were
you when it happened?

LAUREL
I wasn’t far from the beach. I can’t tell how much
we’ve moved, but maybe you or Queen-Sized might be able
to see it?

CONNIE
Got it! Stay on the line!

LAUREL
I’ll try!

CONNIE
Queenie!

GLORIA
What is it?

CONNIE
My girlfriend just got eaten by something!

KIRBY
What?!

CONNIE
Can you see any kaiju from up there?!

GLORIA
Let’s see... No I don’t see any- Wait a second... Oh
shit. Hey, love?

IRWIN
What?

GLORIA
It’s a fucking Growth-Squirt.

CONNIE
Ew, what?

IRWIN
Oh no, that’s bad. Growth Squirts are some of the most
dangerous kaiju out there. Piss one off and it’ll keep
growing until it calms down. We have to pacify it.

GLORIA
Let’s go love.

IRWIN
Don’t worry, Megs. We’re gonna save your Sheila.

CONNIE
I’m coming, too!

KIRBY
No you fucking aren’t! Doctor Menace is one thing, but
Kaiju are a whole ‘nother level. Let them handle this
and maybe after you train some more-

CONNIE
I didn’t get ANY training when you threw me into my
first mission! That’s my girlfriend, and I’m saving
her.

IRWIN
You’re god damned right you are.

KIRBY
Don’t encourage her!

CONNIE
Kirby. I am saving my fucking girlfriend.

KIRBY
(SIGHS)
Fine. But I don’t have my equipment, so I can’t help
you. Listen to these two. They know what they’re doing.

CONNIE
Hell yeah. Let’s go!

IRWIN
Right!

GLORIA
Right!

Scene 10

GROWTH SQUIRT
(ROARS)

GLORIA
Alright everybody! Clear out!

CONNIE
Giant monster fight, giant monster fight, giant monster
fight!

IRWIN
Here’s the plan, you and I are gonna run distraction
while Gloria grapples that thing and tries to get it to
cough up your gal. Oh and uh... let’s try not to level
the city while we’re at it.

CONNIE
Got it. Babe, you may want to hold onto... well,
something in there. It’s gonna get a little sloshy.

LAUREL
Ew...

IRWIN
Ready?

CONNIE
Ready.

IRWIN
Alright!
(Swings away)

 GROWTH SQUIRT
(ROARS)

CONNIE
Sup, mother fucker?!

IRWIN
You hit him from the front! I’ll swing around the back!

CONNIE
Right! Zag on ’em.
(Battlecry)

 GROWTH SQUIRT
(ROARS)

CONNIE
No you don’t!
(DODGE)

CONNIE
Can’t catch me, bitch!
(PUNCH)

IRWIN
Nice shot! Watch this!
(IRWIN LATCHES ONTO GROWTH SQUIRT AND HITS IT FROM
BEHIND)

 GROWTH SQUIRT
(ROARS)

CONNIE
Hell yeah!

IRWIN
Guard up!!

CONNIE
Oh shit-
(DODGE)

 GROWTH SQUIRT
(ROARS)

CONNIE
Man! You’re slower than a turtle!
(DODGE)
Or molasses!
(DODGE)
Or an old guy!

IRWIN
Gonna try to lasso it ’round the ankles to give Queenie
an opening! Keep buzzing him!

CONNIE
Please don’t say buzz. Fucking bees.

 GROWTH SQUIRT
(ROARS)

CONNIE
That’s right, punk. Eyes up here!

GROWTH SQUIRT
(ROARS)

CONNIE
(ROARS, MOCKINGLY)
That’s you! That’s what you sound like!

IRWIN
Got his leg wrapped! All yours, sweetie!

GLORIA
Alright buddy, time for a nap!

[Queen-Sized and Growth Squirt Grapple]

GLORIA
Oh you’ve been drinking your milk haven’t you!
(GRUNTS, AND STRUGGLES)
And steroids. Definitely steroids.

IRWIN
You got him love! Keep it up!

GLORIA
I’m trying, but-
He’s still growing like crazy, and I’m gonna lose my
grip if we don’t calm him down!

CONNIE
Anybody know any lullabies?

IRWIN
I’d suggest a tanker of warm milk if your gal wasn’t on
the receiving end of that deluge.

LAUREL
Wait a second...

CONNIE
What, what’s going on?

LAUREL
Okay, I have an idea. Babe, you’re gonna need to uh...
Be dessert.

CONNIE
What?!

LAUREL
I’ll explain on the inside! Please, hurry!

CONNIE
Ew. Okay, I trust you.

GLORIA
He’s too big now! I can’t hold him!
(GRUNTS AS SHE GETS KNOCKED BACK)

GLORIA
You wanna fucking tustle then? I take you down no
matter how big you are!

 GROWTH SQUIRT
(ROARS)

CONNIE
H-Hey tiny!

 GROWTH SQUIRT
(ROARS???)
 
CONNIE
Hungry? I’m uh-... Yummy as hell!

GLORIA
What are you doing?!

CONNIE
Trusting my girlfriend!
(SIGH)
What’s wrong, you big dumb fuzzball?! Afraid I might be
too spicy for ya?!

 GROWTH SQUIRT
(ROARS!!)

CONNIE
Eat me you big dumb motherf-!

 GROWTH SQUIRT
(SWALLOWS CONNIE WHOLE)

CONNIE
(MUFFLED PROTESTING ALL THE WAY DOWN)

Scene 11

LAUREL
Come on Connie...

CONNIE
(FALLING)

LAUREL
Good! You made it!

CONNIE
Alright, I’m here. Let’s go!

LAUREL
Wait! Not yet.

CONNIE
What? Why??

LAUREL
I want to help this guy out. I think know why he’s
upset. See that red swollen spot way up there?

CONNIE
Yeah, barely.

LAUREL
I am 99% sure that’s an ulcer. I get them from spicy
food, and he ate one of your beef sticks.

CONNIE
The extra spicy nuclear pepper ones?!

LAUREL
Yeah and-

CONNIE
That’s it. The monster dies!!

LAUREL
N-No! No. I need you to fly up there and well... Give
it a tummy rub.

CONNIE
...A tummy rub?

LAUREL
Well... Yeah, basically! He’s in pain and... well I
think it might help soothe him a bit.

CONNIE
...That’s. Kind of adorable. And gross. Like. Adora-bleh.

CONNIE
Here goes... something?

CONNIE
Oh god it’s so much more gross than I expected.

GROWTH SQUIRT
(ROARS)

LAUREL
Careful! Be gentle, he’s dealing with a lot of
discomfort...

CONNIE
(SIGH)
Sorry.

CONNIE
Better?

GROWTH SQUIRT
(PURRS)

LAUREL
Keep it up! I think it’s helping.

CONNIE
Come on, big guy. You’re... Uh. Gonna be okay.

GROWTH SQUIRT
(YAWNS)

LAUREL
It worked! He’s shrinking!

CONNIE
Oh thank fuck. Let’s get out of here.

LAUREL
I’m proud of you, hon. I think Valiant would have done
everything to kill this poor guy. You helping him out
like this shows a lot of compassion and restraint that
Valiant severely lacks. I really think that you’re
going to be the kind of hero that this world needs.

CONNIE
Babe... Thank you. But you’re the one who came up with
the plan at all. I probably would have kept beating him
up to get you out. If anything, you’re a hero for
keeping calm in the literal belly of a beast! That’s
fucking trope worthy!

LAUREL
I don’t know about that... But I do know something.

CONNIE
What’s that?

LAUREL
You’re going the wrong way.

CONNIE
Oh! Yep! Nope! Don’t wanna do that! Uh-uh!

Scene 12

GLORIA
Holy dooley. They calmed him down.

IRWIN
They sure did.

GROWTH SQUIRT
(Chirps)

CONNIE
(STRUGGLING INSIDE GROWTH SQUIRT)

GROWTH SQUIRT
(BURPS CONNIE AND LAUREL OUT)

CONNIE & LAUREL
(OOF)

CONNIE
Huh. This thing is actually kind of ultra adorable at
this size.

LAUREL
How are you feeling little guy? Tummy all better?

GROWTH SQUIRT
(CHIRPS)

LAUREL
Good.
You know, hon? We make a good team.

CONNIE
Fuck yeah we do.

CONNIE & LAUREL
(KISS)

IRWIN
G’day!

LAUREL
(NERVOUS YELP)
H-hi!

IRWIN
So you’re Megs’ lady, eh?

LAUREL
Th-that’s me! I- uh- Hi!

CONNIE
Are you okay, babe?

LAUREL
Sorry, just- I’ve looked up to you and your wife for a
long time and- Uh-
(NERVOUS LAUGHING)
Just- Big fan!

IRWIN
Y’hear that love?! She’s a fan!

GLORIA
That’s so sweet! We don’t have a ton of American fans,
so it’s always a pleasure!

LAUREL
Oh my gosh you’re so much bigger in person and you’re
both lovely and heroic and did I mention big and I’m
being really unprofessional right now I am so sorry-

IRWIN
(LAUGH)
It’s quite alright! Say, we’ve gotta clear the area
before the press arrives. Care to take a ride to the
beach courtesy of Queenie?

LAUREL
Oh no, it’s okay I couldn’t possibly!

CONNIE
-Without me!

KIRBY
You can fucking fly.

CONNIE
I AM RIDING IN THE GIANT LADY’S HAND WITH MY
GIRLFRIEND, KIRBY!!

KIRBY
Oy vey...

GLORIA
Ready?

CONNIE
Hell yes! Ready, babe?

LAUREL
Y-yeah!

GLORIA
Hang on tight, ladies!

CONNIE & LAUREL
(LAUGHING GLEEFULLY)

SCENE 12

KIRBY
So what did you wanna show us again?

LAUREL
Okay, so. My boss wouldn’t let me do an article about
Megaton Girl.

CONNIE
Ugh, of course...

LAUREL
So, I did something a bit... Risky?

CONNIE
Oooo what'd you do?
LAUREL
I uh... Made an official Megaton Girl news site and
social media account and posted an article on there
about the Dr. Menace Fight

CONNIE
Holy shit, Laurel!! That’s fucking awesome!

KIRBY
...You realize that Chuck is going to literally kill
you for this right?

LAUREL
I- I know that it’s dangerous. But I used an alias to
cover my tracks. And I made the art style different
from my usual Olympus work. As long as I keep a low
profile and keep up the disguise, I should be okay.

CONNIE
Well, if he does come after you, I’m absolutely kicking
his ass. At least then I’d have a public reason to do
that. But, I promise. I’m gonna keep you safe, okay?

LAUREL
I know you will. You’re my hero, after all.

CONNIE
(FLUSTERED CONNIE SOUNDS)
Y-Yeaaaaaah.

KIRBY
Y’know, Laurel.

LAUREL
Hm?

KIRBY
Between standing up to Chuck with Connie like this, and
the way that you handled yourself inside that monster’s
stomach... You seem to be pretty cool in the face of
danger. And you don’t even have powers. You ever
consider getting into a tactician gig?

LAUREL
Tactician?
KIRBY
 I know you’ve already got your plate
full, what with two journalism gigs. But I think that
you and Connie would make a pretty good team. Connie
breakin’ faces. You in the chair, telling her which
side of their face will break the best.

LAUREL
But that’s your job isn’t it?

KIRBY
Not really. I had a guy in the chair who helped my
heroes for a while, but between everybody leaving and
life being well... Life. He retired. The position’s
currently vacant, if you’d be interested.

CONNIE
Kirby that’s a lot of responsibility on top what what
she’s already-

LAUREL
Wait, hold on. So I’d be working with Connie, helping
her out directly?

KIRBY
Yes, ma’am, you would.

LAUREL
Hmmm... Well... Connie?

CONNIE
Yeah?

LAUREL
Do you think you’d be able to trust me with your life?

CONNIE
Babe. I always have.

LAUREL
There’s your answer, then.

KIRBY
That’s what I like to hear. I’ll try and scrounge up
another tutor that can work well with Connie, and we’ll
get you into the big chair. It’s a nice chair, really
cushiony. Lots of lower back support. Oh and a
cupholder.

LAUREL
Looking forward to it.

KIRBY
Great. Now if you’ll excuse me, you both smell like the
inside of a kaiju’s digestive tract and it’s taking
literally all of my willpower to not barf right now.

CONNIE
Aw Kirby come on, you gotta stay for dinner!

KIRBY
Dinner is absolutely the last thing on my mind right
now. Besides, I’ve gotta make some more phone calls
tonight anyway. Gotta line up your next tutor.

CONNIE
Oh, okay! But next time you come over, you’re staying
for dinner!

KIRBY
Heh. Fine. I’ll bring some Matzo Ball Soup from
Moishe’s Deli. We’ll potluck it.

CONNIE
Hell yeah!

KIRBY
Take care.

LAUREL
Bye!

CONNIE
Later!

CONNIE
I’m gonna get started cooking dinner, because I am
super fucking hungry!

LAUREL
...How about we shower first.

CONNIE
But Laurellllll... The beast, she hungers!

LAUREL
If you don’t shower, no goodnight kiss.

CONNIE
...Shower time!

LAUREL
(LAUGHS)

(CREDITS)

Scene 14

NORA
William.

KIRBY
Nora... Didn’t think you’d answer.

NORA
I probably shouldn’t have. Why are you calling me?

KIRBY
Because, I need your help.

NORA
Good for you.

KIRBY
Nora, please, just listen to me.

NORA
I’m busy.

KIRBY
I wouldn’t be asking you if anybody else could help.

NORA
Of course not. You never reach out to anybody unless
you need something. But the minute somebody else needs
your help, you turn the other way, don’t you?

KIRBY
(SIGH)
How many times to we need to have this conversation? I
fucked up, alright?

NORA
Fucked up. Is that an Earther way of tiptoeing over the
words "interfered with the justice system of my
people?"

KIRBY
I had to side with the Earth, okay? They’re my people,
and I don’t have the authority to speak for all of us.

NORA
You could have said something, anything. But you just
stood there while your governments chose to ignore
intergalactic law and keep a member of my people
prisoner?

KIRBY
He attacked Earth. There was no way all of the
governments would agree to extraditing him. The most I
could do was to ensure he was contained in the most
secure facility possible.

NORA
He’d be more secure if he had stood trial on Ki’ahn and
been executed.

KIRBY
And what if he’d gone free?

NORA
That remains to be seen. Your world can’t hold him
forever. He’s going to break out, and when he does,
it’s back to war for all of us.

KIRBY
All the more reason for you to help me. There’s a new
hero who might actually be able to take him down if he
ever breaks out.

NORA
If it’s that Captain Valiant, fellow, then I absolutely
refuse.

KIRBY
No, I said a new hero. Just as powerful, but this hero
actually gives a damn.

NORA
Hm.

KIRBY
She’s gonna be great, but she needs help with a couple
things that I can’t help her with.

NORA
Such as?

KIRBY
She’s got this energy attack, and it’s crazy strong,
but she can’t control it at all.

NORA
And you want me to help her control it?

KIRBY
If you’re willing.

NORA
I see. I will consider it.

KIRBY
That’s all I’m asking.

NORA
Good, because consideration is all you are getting for
now. If you’ll excuse me, I have work to do.

KIRBY
Okay. Take-

[CLICK]

KIRBY
(SIGH)
Take care, hon.

NARRATOR
Next Episode: The Gal in the Big Chair