Megaton Girl
Megaton Girl
Episode 7 - The Next Step
When the pressure of being number one begins to overwhelm Connie, Laurel decides to give her the best day ever.
Created, Written and Directed by Austin Lee Matthews
Produced by Mark Allen Jr. and Austin Lee Matthews
Featuring the voices of
Amanda Kay as Connie
Michelle Deco as Laurel
Jason Marnocha as Kirby
Alex Weitzman as Moishe
Kdin Jenzen as Grillmaster
Kimlinh Tran as Richter
Ryan Bartley as Olivia
T Daniel Morris as Darren
Jack Hopper as Yvonne
Meli Grant as Carnival Barker
Dino Andrade as Emcee
Mark Allen Jr. as Ride Operator
Sean Chiplock as Doctor Menace
PM Seymour as Captain Vendetta
Austin Lee Matthews as Thaddeus Sludge
Additional Voices by Mark Allen Jr., Ryan Bartley, Meli Grant, Kdin Jenzen, T Daniel Morris, Kimlinh Tran, Alex Weitzman and Austin Lee Matthews
Art and character design by Austin Lee Matthews, Jeremy Mackrell and Ama Schwindenhammer
Music and Sound Mixing by Austin Lee Matthews
Extra Special Thanks to the Heroes over at Patreon.Com/MegatonGirl
Please consider becoming a Patron today to support the future production of this series.
Be sure to let us know what you think on social media with MegatonGirl hashtag, follow us on Twitter, and join the Megaton Girl Fans Discord Server https://discord.gg/kfYzptE3gQ
Megaton Girl is copyright Austin Lee Matthews 2022
Thank you for listening, and thank you for being you
RECAP: (00:00:00-00:01:27)
Scene: 1
(DOWNTOWN, YESTERDAY)
SOUND: EARTH CRACKS AND RUMBLES
SOUND: CITIZENS RUN
SOUND: MEGATON GIRL IS KNOCKED BACK BY RICHTER
CONNIE
(IS SENT FLYING)
(LANDS WITH A GRUNT)
(SPITS)
That all you got, punk?! Bring it!!
RICHTER
Okay, then.
SOUND: RICHTER THROWS A BOULDER AT CONNIE
CONNIE
(EEP!)
(DIVES OUT OF THE WAY)
SOUND: MEGATON GIRL DIVES TO SAFETY AS THE BOULDER WHIFFS BY
HER AND SMASHES INTO A WALL
CONNIE
What is your problem, my dude?!
RICHTER
Kinda bored.
SOUND: CRACKS ERUPT TOWARD MEGATON GIRL
CONNIE
Oh shit!
(JUMP)
SOUND: MEGATON GIRL LEAPS INTO THE AIR
CONNIE
Alright, I get it, you control dirt! I thought you were
one of Valiant’s old villains!
RICHTER
Valiant’s gone. I’m bored. You’re strong.
CONNIE
That’s it?? But with your power you could do a lot of
good! Think of all the poorly kept infrastructure
around the city that you could fix! The disasters you
could stop! Why not use your powers to help people??
RICHTER
Don’t wanna.
SOUND: RICHTER THROWS ANOTHER BOULDER AT MEGATON GIRL
SOUND: MEGATON GIRL DODGES
CONNIE
(DODGE)
...Do you have literally any motivation beyond
boredom??
RICHTER
That’s it.
CONNIE
(SIGH)
...Honestly? Mood. But I can’t have you wrecking the
city on my watch. So what do you say we make this
quick, eh?
RICHTER
Eeee-yup.
CONNIE
Alright, then! Let’s rock!
RICHTER
Stop.
CONNIE
Yeah that was kinda... dumb.
RICHTER
Super dumb.
CONNIE
Yeah let’s just fight.
RICHTER
Okay.
SOUND: RICHTER THROWS ANOTHER BOULDER AT CONNIE
CONNIE
(BATTLECRY)
Scene 2
DARREN
Ka-boom! And that’s when Megaton Girl smashes through
the boulder that Richter throws at her! And then
another, and another! She clocks
Richter in the jaw and sends her hurtling through the
air! And then zip-zoom, pow! Wavedash! Jump! Meteor
Smash! K-O! Richter’s down for the count.
OLIVIA
Magnificent! Simply marvelous! You have outdone
yourself yet again, Darren.
DARREN
Th-Thank you, Ms. Simone!
OLIVIA
(SIGH)
Darren. Please. Olivia is fine. You don’t have to be
all formal, walking on eggshells around me.
DARREN
S-Sorry. Still kinda getting used to a boss who treats
us like... Well... Not absolute dogshit.
OLIVIA
Well, you can let your guard down. Charles has been
gone for six months. I’m in charge now, and I intend to
make sure that you’re all taken care of. Alright?
DARREN
O-Okay. Th-thanks. Is there anything else you
think this needs?
OLIVIA
Hmm... I think just a touch up on the mask color on
panel 7, but not too much. It’s just a little muted.
DARREN
You got it!
OLIVIA
I’ll leave you to it, then! Let me know when you’re
finished.
DARREN
Yes, ma’am!
SOUND: OLIVIA WALKS OVER TO LAUREL’S DESK
SOUND: LAUREL IS SKETCHING
OLIVIA
Hey Laurel!
LAUREL
Hm? Oh, hi Olivia! What’s up?
OLIVIA
Just checking in on you. How’s the piece about Micro
Manager coming?
LAUREL
It’s coming along pretty well I think! The way she
shrinks is kinda tough to draw, so I hope I did it
justice.
OLIVIA
Mind if I take a look?
LAUREL
Yeah, go for it!
SOUND: LAUREL HANDS OVER THE PAPERS
SOUND: OLIVIA FLIPS THROUGH THEM
OLIVIA
This is wonderful... This is actually- pardon my
French- Fucking brilliant. Your art style brings so
much flavor to this, and you really manage to capture
the scale of everything in such a delightful way!
LAUREL
That’s so kind of you. Thank you.
OLIVIA
No, actually thank you. Honestly. This is amazing.
SOUND: OLIVIA FLIPS THROUGH THE PAGES AGAIN
OLIVIA
You could cover bigger heroes, you know. No pun
intended. But it’s true. Even Megaton Girl. Hell,
especially Megaton Girl.
LAUREL
(NERVOUS LAUGH)
You’ve been telling me the same thing every week.
OLIVIA
So why don’t you ever want to cover the bigger heroes?
LAUREL
Because, well... The bigger heroes get plenty of
attention just by being who they are. Whether I cover
them, or somebody else covers them, they’re going to
get the spotlight. But lesser known heroes like Micro
Manager here, aren’t going to always get that same
attention. Just because their feats aren’t as flashy,
doesn’t mean they’re any less super.
OLIVIA
Hm. I suppose I understand where you’re coming from.
Alright. You know what? Love the idea. Keep it up.
SOUND: SHE RETURNS THE PAPERS TO LAUREL
OLIVIA
Got an ETA?
LAUREL
Let’s see, it’s 11 right now... I could probably have
the finishing touches on this by lunch-break.
OLIVIA
You’re a godsend, Laurel.
LAUREL
(SLIGHTLY BASHFUL CHUCKLE)
Thanks, Olivia.
SOUND: OLIVIA WALKS AWAY
SOUND: DARREN WALKS OVER TO LAUREL
DARREN
Hey Laurel?
LAUREL
What’s up, Darren?
DARREN
So... I trust Olivia, she’s great. But you’ve got a
better eye for detail than both she and I do. Can you
look over my comic real quick? I wanna make sure I get
this perfect.
LAUREL
Oh! Uhm. Sure!
DARREN
Thanks, Laurel.
SOUND: LAUREL TAKES THE PAPERS
LAUREL
Let’s see.
(MUTTERING READING A BIT)
Oh!I love this panel, near the end here! I really feel
the energy as Megaton Girl blasts through a boulder
with her Gutbuster and slams into Richter! Like WHAM!
Scene 3
RICHTER
(KNOCKED INTO THE AIR, AND HITS THE GROUND TUMBLING)
SOUND: RICHTER HITS THE GROUND
CONNIE
You about done, over there?!
RICHTER
(STRAINS, TRYING TO STAND, BEFORE GIVING UP)
(WEAKLY)
Eeee-yup.
CONNIE
Good. Let’s get you back to jail.
SOUND: CONNIE STARTS TO WALK OVER TO RICHTER
SOUND: CROWD APPLAUSE
CONNIE
Alright everyone. My team has alerted emergency
services and cleanup. They’ll be here any moment to
have this place back to normal before you know it. In
the meantime, stay out of the buildings until they get
here and make sure that they’re still structurally sec-
(SHE GETS BEANED IN THE HEAD BY A MILKSHAKE CUP)
SOUND: THE CROWD STOPS APPLAUDING
CONNIE
Ew, what the f-
ANGRY CROWD MEMBER 1
Captain Valiant was a hero!!
ANGRY CROWD MEMBER 2
You should be ashamed of yourself!!
CONNIE
He was dangerous! He tried to have me killed!
ANGRY CROWD MEMBER 1
Where’s your fucking proof?!
CONNIE
The assassin Blood Oath confessed to everyth-
ANGRY CROWD MEMBER 3
So we’re going by the word of a murderer?! He could
have been lying just to save his ass!
CONNIE
Would you listen to me! I’m trying to-
ANGRY CROWD MEMBER 1
No you listen! You were jealous, so you came up with
some garbage lies to make yourself look better! Captain
Valiant is our hero! You’re just a cheap knockoff!
DEFENSIVE CROWD MEMBER 1
She was trying to keep us safe!
DEFENSIVE CROWD MEMBER 2
You don’t know how terrible Valiant really was!
ANGRY CROWD MEMBER 3
And you do?!
YVONNE
I do. I’ve had to deal with years and years of therapy
because of that awful man.
ANGRY CROWD MEMBER 1
Oh what did he do, huh?! Save you too well?? You’ll
come up with anything to spit on the name of a good
man.
CONNIE
Listen to me!
(SIGH)
I have to get Richter to prison before she gets her
energy back. I don’t want anybody else to get hurt
okay??
SOUND: CONNIE STARTS TO WALK OVER TO RICHTER AGAIN, PICKING
HER UP AND THROWING HER OVER HER SHOULDER
ANGRY CROWD MEMBER 2
Oh so you’re just gonna run away now?!
ANGRY CROWD MEMBER 3
You fucking coward!
DEFENSIVE CROWD MEMBER 2
You shut up! She’s a hero!!
SOUND: THE CROWD BREAKS OUT INTO A SHOUTING MATCH
CONNIE
(SIGHS)
Alright, Richter. Let’s get you out of here.
SOUND: YVONNE WALKS UP TO MEGATON GIRL
YVONNE
Uhm... Miss Megaton Girl?
CONNIE
Hm? Oh! Hi! What’s up, can I help you with something?
YVONNE
So um... I... uh...
CONNIE
Hey, hey it’s okay. Take your time.
YVONNE
I uh... Nobody ever believed me when I’ve tried to tell
people about Captain Valian. Not even my therapists.
CONNIE
...Oh.
YVONNE
But uhm... Ever since you spoke up, more people are
starting to realize that I was telling the truth; That
I’m not just trying to get attention or something. So,
I guess what I’m trying to say is... Uhm... Thank you.
CONNIE
I...
Thank you. For being here and telling me this. I hope that you can get the
recognition you need, so that you can move forward.
YVONNE
I uhm... Can I have a hug?
CONNIE
Yes absolutely! Come here.
SOUND: CONNIE PULLS HER IN FOR A HUG
CONNIE
It’s gonna be okay...
YVONNE
Thank you…
CONNIE
Thank you.
KIRBY
(OVER COMMS)
Kid?
CONNIE
Sorry, uh. Just a sec.
SOUND: CONNIE PULLS AWAY
CONNIE
What’s up?
KIRBY
(OVER COMMS)
We’ve got another incident across town.
LAUREL
(OVER COMMS)
Another one of Chuck’s old rogues is causing trouble in
the warehouse district.
KIRBY
(OVER COMMS)
War Chest is there too. Think they may be teaming up.
Better get over there before shit gets worse.
CONNIE
Yeah... Yeah, okay yeah. Be right there.
(TO YVONNE)
I’m sorry, I’ve gotta help across town.
YVONNE
Yeah, of course, go ahead.
CONNIE
May I ask you your name?
YVONNE
Yvonne.
CONNE
Please, take care of yourself, okay Yvonne?
YVONNE
I will. Thank you again.
CONNIE
Thank YOU. See you around.
SOUND: CONNIE RUNS AND FLIES AWAY.
Scene 4
SOUND: CONNIE IS MAKING SOUP
CONNIE
Food’s almost ready babe.
LAUREL
(FROM THE OTHER ROOM)
I can tell! Smells good, hon.
CONNIE
Thanks, it’s 16 bean soup with bacon.
LAUREL
Your dad’s recipe?
CONNIE
Yeah.
LAUREL
Nice! I’ll be right out, let me save real quick.
CONNIE
Take your time, it’s still gotta cool a bit.
(SIGHS A BIT)
SOUND: LAUREL WALKS IN
LAUREL
Hey, sweetie.
(SHE KISSES CONNIE ON THE CHEEK)
CONNIE
Hey.
LAUREL
What’s wrong?
CONNIE
Hm? Oh nah. Just exhausted from a long day. I’m
alright.
LAUREL
No you aren’t. If you were alright, you’d have burned
your tongue on that soup by now and we’d be having a
conversation about that. We’re talking about this.
CONNIE
(SIGH)
It’s… It’s a lot.
LAUREL
I know it is. Talk to me anyway.
CONNIE
Where do I even start?
LAUREL
Start with the heaviest load.
CONNIE
...I uh. I think Christopher chose wrong when he picked
me to succeed him. I’ve been working non-stop, and I’m
just exhausted every day. More so than ever before. And
even then I don’t feel like I’m doing enough. I feel
like a fucking failure more and more every day.
LAUREL
We’ve talked about the F word, Connie.
CONNIE
...fuck… fucky fuck fuck?
LAUREL
Failure. I’m not sure how many times I’m gonna have to
sit you down and remind you that you aren’t a failure,
but I’m gonna keep doing so until it sets in. You do so
much every damn day. You might even do too much.
CONNIE
But I have to keep everyone safe! I can’t rest until
everyone is safe.
LAUREL
Then you’ll never be able to rest. You’ll overwork
yourself, get hurt, and you’ll leave everyone in
danger. Do you think Christopher would have wanted
that?
CONNIE
I-... I don’t...
LAUREL
He absolutely wouldn’t have wanted that, hon. And
neither do I.
CONNIE
(SIGH)
But it’s not like I can just take a day off.
LAUREL
Says who?
CONNIE
Everyone?? I doubt Christopher took days off.
LAUREL
And how did that go for Adam?
CONNIE
I-... That’s a low blow.
LAUREL
Please. Think of your health, babe.
CONNIE
But what will Kirby say?
LAUREL
I’ll talk to Kirby about it. Okay?
CONNIE
Mmm...
LAUREL
You’re my girlfriend. You take care of me. Let me do
the same.
CONNIE
Okay.
LAUREL
Good. Because I was going to anyway.
CONNIE
(SOFT CHUCKLE)
Of course you were.
LAUREL
You know me so well~.
CONNIE
Better than anyone~.
(SHE KISSES LAUREL ON THE CHEEK)
You’re the best.
LAUREL
Only because you bring out the best in me.
Now let’s have some of this soup. If I’m hungry, I know
how hungry that means you are.
CONNIE
Soooooo freaking hungry.
Scene 5
MOISHE
(OVER COMMS)
Are you sure that you don’t want to come? You’ve missed
the fair every year for the last decade, and it looks
like this one’s gonna be a real fun shindig!
KIRBY
Ehh, you know that really isn’t my thing, Moishe.
Besides, can’t be too out in the open until we know
what Chuckle Fuck is up to.
MOISHE
(OVER COMMS)
Yeah, I suppose you’re right. You want me to grab
anything for you? I can have Connie swing it up to you,
if you want.
KIRBY
I don’t know. Uh. Can’t think of any fair food that
would survive a trip to the south pole. How about uh...
Oh you know what? How about some saltwater taffy?
MOISHE
(OVER COMMS)
Out of all the food, you pick saltwater taffy? At your
age?
KIRBY
Hey, I’ve got all my teeth.
MOISHE
(OVER COMMS)
I was talking about your blood sugar.
KIRBY
Oy vey.
MOISHE
(OVER COMMS)
(CHUCKLING)
I’m just messing with ya, Kirb. Of course I’ll get you a few
while I’m there, alright?
KIRBY
Thanks, Moishe. You’re a mensch.
SOUND: BEEPING
KIRBY
Oop. That’s Laurel. Mind if I call you back?
MOISHE
(OVER COMMS)
Of course, I’ve gotta get some boxes packed anyway.
Give her my best.
KIRBY
I will. See ya, Moishe.
MOISHE
(OVER COMMS)
Talk at you soon, pal!
SOUND: KIRBY TRANSFERS THE CALL OVER TO LAUREL
KIRBY
Ahoy-hoy.
LAUREL
(OVER COMMS)
(LAUGHING, JOKING)
Okay, Mister Burns.
KIRBY
(CHUCKLES)
Hey, Laurel.
LAUREL
(OVER COMMS)
(SMILING)
Hi, Kirb. How are you holding up?
KIRBY
I’m alright! Finally think I’ve settled into this old
place. Been a while since Nora even let me in here, so
coming back’s been... Cozy and familiar, but also weird
as shit all at once. I kinda miss the gym, but eh. I’d
rather risk freezing my ass off, than risk a late night
visit from a pissed off Captain Valiant.
LAUREL
(OVER COMMS)
Of course.
KIRBY
Aside from that, I just got off the horn with Moishe.
He sends his best, as per usual.
LAUREL
(OVER COMMS)
Aww, that’s sweet of him. We’ll have to swing by soon
when he isn’t busy.
SOUND: HER VOICE GLITCHES SIGNIFICANTLY AS SHE SAYS THIS
KIRBY
Ah fuck, come on! Work damn it!
LAUREL
(OVER COMMS)
What? Is the connection glitching again?
SOUND: HER VOICE GLITCHES A BIT AS SHE SAYS THIS
KIRBY
Yeah just a touch. Let me just...
(SMACK THE CONSOLE)
SOUND: HE SMACKS THE CONTROL CONSOLE
KIRBY
How’s that?
LAUREL
(OVER COMMS)
Hitting every piece of technology you come across isn’t
always going to help, y’know.
KIRBY
Helped this time though! Boom! One for caveman
troubleshooting.
LAUREL
(OVER COMMS)
What is up with the connection issues? It’s been going
on for months now, and it’s only gotten worse.
KIRBY
When that EMP messed with Connie’s butterflies, it
affected my whole communication array. Been a pain in
the ass trying to figure out a solution. At first, I
was thinking that we could shrink you down, so you
could fix the nanobots manually-
LAUREL
(OVER COMMS)
Woah, awesome!
KIRBY
But that would require one of those James Cameron
submersibles to safely navigate through Connie’s
insides and, ehhh, I don’t got one of those.
LAUREL
(OVER COMMS)
Right, because the shrinking me down part’s so easy.
KIRBY
Hey, you of all people should know: I got connections
to plenty of folks with shrink rays. How many people do
you know with subs just laying around?
LAUREL
(OVER COMMS)
Eh ...Damn it, fair point. What’s your latest idea?
KIRBY
I’ve been working on some new, more durable nanobots
for Connie. Nora’s got everything I need here in her
lab, so it shouldn’t take too long. Once they’re
finished, we can give them to her and reboot the
connection. That should hopefully fix the issue.
LAUREL
(OVER COMMS)
Great!
KIRBY
Anyway, enough about my nonsense. How are you two
holding up?
LAUREL
(OVER COMMS)
Things have been going pretty well for me, for the most
part! Been letting Connie handle the Megaton Girl
website for a while now. She uses it as a social media
hub, while I focus on Olympus work.
KIRBY
Ah, so no more Megaton Girl comics from you?
LAUREL
(OVER COMMS)
Not as many at least! I still contribute art to some of
her bigger exploits, but other than that, Connie wants
to be more connected to people.
KIRBY
Connecting to people, huh? Don’t see the appeal.
(CHUCKLES)
LAUREL
(OVER COMMS)
(LAUGHS)
Yeah
KIRBY
So how are things other than that?
LAUREL
Well... I’m kinda worried about Connie.
KIRBY
Why? What’s wrong?
LAUREL
(OVER COMMS)
She’s been massively overworking herself, and stressing
over literally everything. Between her own villains and
Chuck’s old villains, she’s been working herself to the
bone.
KIRBY
(SIGHS)
I told her that she didn’t have to accept every single
job. There are other heroes around that could easily
take on some of Chuck’s rogues gallery. But she thinks
that just because there’s a big hole in the pantheon
that she’s the one who has to fill it. I give her
points for determination, but if it’s killing her, then
she needs to say uncle.
LAUREL
(OVER COMMS)
And it’s more than just that. You’ve seen how Chuck’s
fan-boy cult has been treating her.
KIRBY
Ugh, yeah. Those schmendricks have been absolutely
rabid lately. Probably because they know she can’t and
won’t do anything about it. She lays a finger on them
and everyone will turn that against her. Traded one
douche bag for a million.
LAUREL
(OVER COMMS)
Exactly.
KIRBY
What do you propose we do?
LAUREL
(OVER COMMS)
I talked to Connie about it a bit, and I convinced her
to let me ask you to maybe give her... like... A day or
two off? Just so that she can have some time to unwind,
somehow?
SOUND: KIRBY STARTS TYPING
KIRBY
That’s easy enough. I’ll set her availability to "away"
for a few days, and you two can unwind. If there’s a
massive emergency or something, they can still call her
in. But for everything else, Megaton Girl is officially
on vacation. Sound good?
LAUREL
(OVER COMMS)
That sounds great! Thanks, Kirby.
KIRBY
It’s no problem at all. And hey, you know what? I know
what you two can do to unwind.
LAUREL
(OVER COMMS)
What’s that?
KIRBY
How about you take Connie to the state fair? It opens
tomorrow, and I think that you two would get a big kick
out of it. They’ve got rides, animals, games, fair
food. Hell, Moishe’s hosting an eating contest at some
point! I think Connie’d be all over that!
LAUREL
(OVER COMMS)
Huh! That’s a great idea actually! Oh wow Connie and I
haven’t been to the fair since... Jeez, probably
seventh grade?
KIRBY
Sounds like you two are long overdue for a trip then!
LAUREL
(OVER COMMS)
Yeah definitely! I’ve uh... I’ve always wanted a
do-over of that night anyway.
KIRBY
What do you mean?
LAUREL
(OVER COMMS)
Well. I had planned to ask her to be my girlfriend,
last time we went to the fair.
KIRBY
(CHUCKLING)
No shit? All the way back then?
LAUREL
(OVER COMMS)
Yeah, but well... Things got in the way, and I bailed
before I got the chance. I’d like to make that night up
to her. Give her the night I wished I’d given her back
then.
KIRBY
I mean you two are already girlfriends, so you can at
least have a good time!
LAUREL
(OVER COMMS)
True. Hmm...
Hey uhm... I have kind of a big question.
KIRBY
Yeah?
LAUREL
(OVER COMMS)
I’ve been thinking about this for a while now and...
Uh... What if I asked Connie to marry me?
KIRBY
Shit, that is a big question.
LAUREL
(OVER COMMS)
I know I know... Do you think it’d be too soon? It’s
something that’s been on my mind and I’ve wanted to ask
her so many times, but I’m worried that it’d be moving
things too fast. I know that I want to spend my life
with her, and I know she feels the same. But do you
think she’d be on board?
KIRBY
Heh. Listen, kid. You two have known each other for 20
years. And you’ve loved each other for damn close to
that long. You’ve got a bond stronger than some folks
who’ve been married for 50 years. Frankly I think you
two need each other. Ain’t nothing "too soon" about
this.
LAUREL
(OVER COMMS)
(RELIEVED CHUCKLE)
Yeah, you’ve got a point.
(DEEP BREATH)
Alright. Yeah. I’m gonna ask her to marry me! Oh shit
this means I need a ring. And a plan. Holy crap, I need
a plan.
KIRBY
(CHUCKLING)
Laurel, breathe.
LAUREL
(OVER COMMS)
(TRYING TO CONTROL HERSELF, BREATHING)
KIRBY
Listen. I know Connie. She’d say yes if you proposed
with a freaking plastic spider ring from an arcade.
Just take her on a ride through the tunnel of love and
pop the question.
LAUREL
(OVER COMMS)
Do fairs have tunnels of love anymore?
KIRBY
Yea-... Wait... Uh. Shit. Do they? It’s been a while since
I’ve been to a fair, maybe uh... I’ll have Moishe do
recon on that.
LAUREL
(OVER COMMS)
(LAUGHS)
Okay. Then I’m gonna get going so I can start
planning, okay?
KIRBY
Go for it. I gotta get back to work on those new
nanobots.
LAUREL
(OVER COMMS)
Yeah definitely. I’ll let you know what she says!
KIRBY
With her lungs, I’m pretty sure I’d hear her answer
from two star systems away, but, yeah keep me posted anyway.
LAUREL
(OVER COMMS)
You got it. Later, Kirby.
KIRBY
Have fun, Laurel.
SOUND: THE CALL ENDS
Scene 6
SOUND: THE FAIR IS BUSTLING WITH PEOPLE
SOUND: CONNIE AND LAUREL WALK THROUGH THE FAIR
LAUREL
It is... way busier than I expected. Nothing like the
smaller fairs when we were kids.
CONNIE
Yeah, but we also lived in a smaller town back then.
Cozy town, cozy fairs. Big city, big damn fairs.
LAUREL
True. Hm. What do you wanna do first? I’m getting
pretty hungry.
CONNIE
Me too, but...
Ehhh, I’ve got that eating contest later and I don’t
want to overdo it beforehand and have to tap out two
hot dogs in. Or whatever it is we’re eating.
LAUREL
Mind if I eat something then?
CONNIE
Go for it! Don’t let my growling stomach hold you back
from enjoying yourself.
LAUREL
Okay! Let’s stop at the Gyro King stand so I can get a
bite, and then we can figure out what to do next.
CONNIE
Lead on, madame!
SOUND: THEY CONTINUE ONWARD
LAUREL
How are you feeling? Any better?
CONNIE
A little. I think I’m still kinda in the mode of like
"Ah shit I can’t let my guard down, something bad has
got to happen." Overall, I’m still tense, but it’s not
boiling over anymore.
LAUREL
Well, I want that tension gone by the end of the day.
CONNIE
Well, I don’t think it’ll ever go away completely, but just
being here, ready to have fun with the most important
person in my life? It’s helping.
LAUREL
Good.
CARNIVAL BARKER
Hey, hey, hey, you lovely ladies! Come test your
strength at the high striker, and win a prize! Whaddaya
say, big, blond and beautiful? Try it out, only five
bucks!
CONNIE
No thanks, I know how strong I am.
CARNIVAL BARKER
Oh ho! Too scared that you’ll hurt your hands huh?
CONNIE
...Yeah sure, bud.
CARNIVAL BARKER
How about you little missy? Show your tall friend over
here how it’s done.
LAUREL
Girlfriend. And... You know what? Sure! I’ll try it
out.
CARNIVAL BARKER
5 bones for a go at the bell!
SOUND: LAUREL HANDS THEM $5
LAUREL
Here’s $5.
SOUND: THEY HAND HER A MALLET
CARNIVAL BARKER
And here’s a mallet! Careful, now. It’s heavy.
LAUREL
(LIFTS THE MALLET)
Alright.
CONNIE
You got this babe! Ring that bell!
LAUREL
(LIFTING THE MALLET OVER HER HEAD)
One... two... three!
(SWINGING EFFORT)
SOUND: THE MALLET HITS THE BUTTON! THE PUCK RISES UP AND UP
AND UP! BUT IT DOESN’T HIT THE BELL
LAUREL
(A LITTLE WINDED, BREATHING)
Huh... How was that?
CONNIE
Way to go! That was really good!
CARNIVAL BARKER
Yeah sure, maybe for a toddler with little baby arms!
Ha!
CONNIE
Hey!
LAUREL
It’s fine, Con! I didn’t think I was gonna ring the
bell. I’m not as strong as you, by a long shot.
CONNIE
Fuh... Alright. You did good though!
LAUREL
You think so?
CONNIE
Yeah! Let’s get you that gyro. On me.
SOUND: THEY START TO WALK AWAY
CARNIVAL BARKER
If you’re so strong, prove it.
CONNIE
Got nothing to prove! Like we said, I’m strong.
CARNIVAL BARKER
(A BIT FURTHER AWAY)
You sure? I don’t see any muscle! Only flab!
CONNIE
(A BIT FURTHER AWAY)
Gee, that’s probably because I’m fat, my dude.
CARNIVAL BARKER
Alright! I guess you’re just a scared little chicken
then, huh?
SOUND: CONNIE STOPS, FOLLOWED QUICKLY BY LAUREL
LAUREL
...Hon. Don’t let him get to you.
CONNIE
He’s not.
CARNIVAL BARKER
(IMITATING A CHICKEN)
Run on home, chicken!
CONNIE
...One moment.
SOUND: CONNIE STOMPS BACK
CARNIVAL BARKER
Oh ho ho! Come clucking back, eh?
SOUND: CONNIE SHOVES MONEY AT THEM
CARNIVAL BARKER
(OOF!)
CONNIE
Five bucks. Mallet.
CARNIVAL BARKER
Heh. Good fucking luck, b-
SOUND: SHE SWIPES THE MALLET FROM THEM, DEFTLY
CARNIVAL BARKER
Huh?
CONNIE
(REARS BACK, BEFORE SLAMMING THE MALLET DOWN, FULL FORCE)
SOUND: THE MALLET HITS THE BUTTON, SHOOTING THE PUCK INTO
THE BELL, SHATTERING IT
CARNIVAL BARKER
(SCARED)
Uh... uh...! Wh- what the-?
CONNIE
Give me the pink panda, bitch.
CARNIVAL BARKER
S-Sure...?
SOUND: THEY GRAB A STUFFED ANIMAL FROM THE SHELF
CONNIE
(CUTTING HIM OFF)
Ah ah! The big pink panda.
CARNIVAL BARKER
Y-yes! Of course, how stupid of me!
SOUND: THEY GRAB THE BIGGER PANDA AND HANDS IT TO HER
CONNIE
Thank you~!
SOUND: CONNIE TROTS OVER TO LAUREL
CONNIE
Lookie! Something soft and chubby you can cuddle when
I’m not home!
LAUREL
I love them!
(SHE HUGS THE PANDA)
Thanks, hon.
CONNIE
Now, Gyro time!
LAUREL
Yes please, I’m starving now.
SOUND: THEY WALK OFF
CARNIVAL BARKER
What the fuck just happened??
SOUND: GRILLMASTER MANIFESTS FROM THE ETHER
GRILLMASTER (DEMONIC)
You. Mortal.
CARNIVAL BARKER
(NOT NOTICING AT FIRST)
Huh? Who me?
GRILLMASTER (AS WENDY)
Yes, you. Tell me. What is the best culinary item at
this festival that I may feast upon?
CARNIVAL BARKER
What the fuck are you talking about?
GRILLMASTER (AS WENDY)
You see, I am taking a break from the culinary dark
arts, and now I wish to live life as a gourmand.
Sampling the best that this plane of existence has to
offer. I am told that this fair of yours is a great
place to try some delicious, off-beat delicacies that I
might not be able to try elsewhere.
CARNIVAL BARKER
Uh. Well there’s deep fried corndogs, deep fried
sandwich cookies, deep fried nachos, double deep fried
chimichangas, deep fried pizza-
GRILLMASTER (AS WENDY)
Hm. Is it all deep fried? Where I come from, everything
is deep fried. Even the people.
CARNIVAL BARKER
...Death Valley, California?
GRILLMASTER (AS WENDY)
Sure.
CARNIVAL BARKER
Well, there’s an eating contest this afternoon. They
brought in a chef from a pretty legendary local deli.
GRILLMASTER (AS WENDY)
Legendary, huh? Hmm. Excellent!
(NOBLEWOMAN’S LAUGH)
I shall partake of this eating contest and prove to you
pathetic mortals that I am the most powerful foodie in
any universe!
CARNIVAL BARKER
...Okay?
GRILLMASTER (AS WENDY)
Enjoy your last few hours of comfort. For soon, you
shall all quake before my power! You will all know my
name!!
CARNIVAL BARKER
...And that name is...?
GRILLMASTER (AS WENDY)
(CHUCKLING EVILY)
Wendy from the IT Department.
SOUND: SHE WALKS AWAY
CARNIVAL BARKER
...I’m going back to Hoboken.
Scene 7
LAUREL
(CALCULATING)
Let’s see... Three rows of bottles... If I aim for
center mass, I have the best chance of a successful
hit. But I risk not toppling all of the bottles at the
base of the pyramid... Aim too high, and I’ll probably
only knock down the top row...
CONNIE
Oh my god she’s in the fucking zone~.
LAUREL
The woman running the game must have made one of the
bottles heavier than the others, likely one of the ones
at the bottom, assuming that I would aim for the center
mass. The question is... which one. Not the center
bottle, that’d be too simple... It has to be the right
or left... She handed me the ball with his right hand,
but she grabbed it with her left... Okay... Bottom left
bottle.
(DEEP BREATH)
Firm underhand lob. Firm underhand lob.
SOUND: SHE TOSSES THE BALL AT THE BOTTLES AND KNOCKS ALL OF
THEM DOWN!
LAUREL
Yes!!
CONNIE
Nice shot!
CARNIE
Well done! Which plush do you want from the top row?
LAUREL
Hmm. The purple frog!
CARNIE
Good choice!
SOUND: SHE GRABS THE FROG OFF THE TOP RACK
CARNIE
There you are.
LAUREL
Thank you!
(SHE TURNS TO CONNIE)
Got you a little a froggie~.
CONNIE
Oh my god I love this fucking frog.
CONNIE
Look at his little crown! And his big eyes! And his
tongue is like blaaaaaahhh!
(IMITATING THE FROG)
Blaaah I’m gonna lick your face, ribbit.
LAUREL
(LAUGHING)
What are you gonna name him?
CONNIE
Anthony Hopkins, duh.
LAUREL
I should have guessed.
CONNIE
(TEASING)
Don’t hate because you didn’t think of it~.
LAUREL
(CHUCKLES)
SOUND: PHONE ALARM
CONNIE
Oop, that’d be me.
SOUND: SHE GRABS THE PHONE AND TURNS OFF THE ALARM
CONNIE
Oh hell yes! Time for the eating contest!
LAUREL
Great! Real quick first, how about you head over there
and get ready. I’m gonna grab a water real quick.
CONNIE
You okay? I can come with you.
LAUREL
No! No it’s all good. I don’t want you to be late just
because I forgot to take my… medication.
CONNIE
Okay, if you’re sure.
LAUREL
I’ll be there to cheer you on, okay?
CONNIE
Okay!
(KISSES CHEEK)
See you soon, babe.
LAUREL
(KISS)
SOUND: CONNIE WALKS OFF
SOUND: LAUREL STARTS WALKING BACK TO THE BOOTH
LAUREL
Excuse me!
CARNIE
Hm? Oh welcome back! Wanna try another go?
LAUREL
Yes, and I’m gonna do worse this time!
CARNIE
Uh. Okay? $5?
LAUREL
Here you are.
SOUND: SHE HANDS THEM THE MONEY
SOUND: CARNIE HANDS LAUREL A BALL
CARNIE
One ball. Good luck. Or. Bad luck? I guess?
LAUREL
Alright. Aim right for the top. Three... Two... One!
SOUND: SHE LOBS THE BALL AND IT KNOCKS DOWN ONE BOTTLE
CARNIE
One bottle. That’s uh... Good enough for anything in
the bottom case?
LAUREL
I want the plastic butterfly ring!
CARNIE
Okay? Plastic butterfly ring?
SOUND: SHE REACHES INTO THE CASE AND GRABS HER A RING
CARNIE
There you go.
LAUREL
Thank you!
SOUND: SHE BRISKLY WALKS OFF
LAUREL
(STEADING BREATHING)
Okay. Okay. Okay okay okay. You can do this. Just one
eating contest stands between me and asking Connie to
marry me. Just breathe. What if she says no? Oh god
please don’t say no.
SOUND: LAUREL PICKS UP THE PACE AS SHE TROTS OUT OF RANGE
Scene 8
SOUND: SEVERAL CONTESTANTS ARE MILLING ABOUT GETTING READY
FOR THE CONTEST
CONNIE
Okay. Okay okay okay. You can do this. Just one eating
contest stands between you and first place. You can do
this.
GRILLMASTER (AS WENDY)
Oh you think you can win, do you?
CONNIE
Hm? Oh! Yeah, I’m definitely gonna win!
GRILLMASTER (AS WENDY)
(CHUCKLES)
Hilarious that you think so. Because I fully intend to
claim victory for my own, no matter what the cost. You
should just throw in the towel now, because by the time
I have cleaned my plate, you will rue the day of your
birth. For I am the most powerful foodie in all of the
realms! Cower in awe of my magnificence, mortal!
(NOBLE WOMAN LAUGH)
CONNIE
You seem really familiar. Have we met before?
GRILLMASTER (AS WENDY)
Uh. Hm. No I don’t think so?
CONNIE
Are you sure?
GRILLMASTER (AS WENDY)
You know, now that you say it, there is something
strikingly nostalgic about you as well. I can’t quite
place it.
CONNIE
Did you go to OSU?
GRILLMASTER (AS WENDY)
No? Hm. Did you ever attempt to ford the River Styx in
600 BCE?
CONNIE
Uhhh... No?
GRILLMASTER (AS WENDY)
Huh. I guess we’ve just got those kinda faces I guess.
CONNIE
(CHUCKLES)
Yeah I guess.
GRILLMASTER (AS WENDY)
Name’s Wendy by the way!
CONNIE
(THINKING)
Wendy... Wendy, Wendy, Wendy...
(GASP)
Wendy!! ...Nah still not ringing any bells. I’m Connie.
GRILLMASTER (AS WENDY)
It is a pleasure, Miss Connie. Now then. Where was I?
CONNIE
Uhh... "Cower in awe of my magnificence" I
think?
GRILLMASTER (AS WENDY)
Oh! Yeah, I said the whole thing then.
CONNIE
Cool! Well, I’m gonna kick your ass!
GRILLMASTER (AS WENDY)
(CHUCKLING)
We shall soon see. May the woman we with the most
powerful appetite be the winner.
CONNIE
You’re on!
MOISHE
Actually you’re all on! Look alive, folks!
SOUND: A CROWD STARTS TO FADE IN AS WE TRANSITION TO
Scene 9
SOUND: CROWD MURMURING
LAUREL
(SCOOTING IN)
Pardon me! Excuse me. Sorry about that.
SOUND: SHE SCOOTS IN FRONT OF FOLKS LOOKING FOR A SEAT
LAUREL
Is this seat taken?
CONTEST VIEWER 1
Nah, go ahead.
LAUREL
Thanks!
SOUND: SHE SITS
EMCEE
Ladies, gentlemen, and everything in between! I welcome
you all to the state fair eating competition!
MOISHE
Sponsored of course by Moishe Edelstein, owner of
Moishe’s Famous Jewish Delicatessen.
EMCEE
What he said! Anyway! Without any further ado, let’s
give a hand to our contestants!
SOUND: APPLAUSE
LAUREL
(CHEERING)
Woo! Go Connie!
GRILLMASTER (AS WENDY)
Not too late to back out, Connie.
CONNIE
Oh you’re gonna back out?
GRILLMASTER (AS WENDY)
No I meant you.
CONNIE
No- I know, it was like-
GRILLMASTER (AS WENDY)
Oh you were turning the-
CONNIE
Yeah, turning it around on you yeah.
GRILLMASTER (AS WENDY)
Right, clever clever. Let’s see if your stomach is as
strong as your wit.
EMCEE
Now then! If our sponsor would be so kind as to bring
out the main dish!
MOISHE
You got it!
(STRAINING TO PUSH A COMICALLY LARGE CART OF FOOD)
Now, I’m sure you’re all familiar with the Megaton
Sandwich!
Available at Moishe’s Famous Jewish Delicatessen.
RANDOM CROWD MEMBER
Woo!
MOISHE
Well! Prepare yourselves for the Nuclear Mile-High
Megaton Dagwood… on Rye!
SOUND: HE REMOVES A TARP FROM THE CART, REVEALING THE
SANDWICHES
SOUND: CROWD APPLAUSE
CONNIE
Holy shit!
GRILLMASTER (DEMONIC)
Magnificent.
MOISHE
They’ve got twenty layers of scrumptious meat, veggies,
sauces, and of course a little green olive atop each
for presentation! A tantalizing, towering, terror to
topple titans with tasty-... eeeeeh... I ran out of T
words! It’s a big damn sandwich!
SOUND: THE CROWD GOES NUTS
EMCEE
Now, contestants! Once the bell rings, you will each
have as much time as you need to tackle these
sandwiches! But remember, whoever finishes first
without throwing in the towel, will be the winner!
MOISHE
And! And if you gotta toss cookies: exit is stage left!
EMCEE
On your marks... Get set! Consume!!
SOUND: THE CONTESTANTS BEGIN!
CONNIE
(EXAGGERATED EATING)
GRILLMASTER (AS WENDY)
(EXAGGERATED EATING, FASTER)
EMCEE
And they’re off! Looks like newcomer Wendy is off to a
strong start! She’s absolutely demolishing the top
layers of that sandwich! I’ve never seen a contestant
attack a meal this fast! Followed close behind is
Bubba, Eddy, Nadine and Connie, who is trailing behind
by a long shot! Somebody tell her that this is a
contest of speed, not suppertime!
MOISHE
Don’t count her out just yet. She’s not savoring...
She’s pacing!
CONNIE
(MOUTH FULL)
Yeah, I’m kinda savoring it too, though! Shit’s
so good, Moishe!
MOISHE
Thanks, dear!
GRILLMASTER (AS WENDY)
(CHUCKLING, MOUTH FULL)
Fool.
(MUNCH)
You’ll never-
(MUNCH)
Beat me-
(MUNCH)
At that pathetic-
(MUNCH)
Speed!
EDDY
(UGH)
Nope.
EMCEE
Looks like our first dropout is Eddy! Good effort there, Ed!
GRILLMASTER (AS WENDY)
(CHUCKLES, MOUTH FULL)
So the first victim falls before my power!
(NOBLE WOMAN LAUGH, MOUTH FULL, BUT THEN SHE CHOKES)
Ack! Guh! Just a sec-!
(SHE SWALLOWS)
(SHORT, QUICK NOBLE WOMAN LAUGH, FOLLOWED BY MORE
MUNCHING)
NADINE
(TONGUE OUT)
I can’t do it anymore! It’s too spicy!
EMCEE
Welp! You know what they say! Where there’s smoke!
MOISHE
They pinch back!
EMCEE
Close enough!
CONNIE
(MOUTH FULL)
Alright... Two down, time to pick up the pace!
(FASTER EATING)
EMCEE
Oooo! It looks like contestant Connie’s kicked it into
overdrive!!
LAUREL
You can do it, hon!
BUBBA
(HRRK!)
Aw shoot. I shouldn’t’a loaded up on “horse doovers!”
EMCEE
And then there were two!
CONNIE
(MOUTH FULL)
You and me, bitch!
(NOMNOMNOM CONTINUES)
GRILLMASTER (AS WENDY)
(MOUTH STILL FULL)
This is impossible...! How can you be gaining on me?!
Have I reached... my limit?! No! I cannot lose! I am
the ultimate gourmand...!!
CONNIE
(ONE LAST HEARTY NOM)
Damn that was good!
EMCEE
We have a winner!!
SOUND: AUDIENCE EXPLODES IN APPLAUSE
LAUREL
She did it!!
GRILLMASTER (AS WENDY)
No...! Noo!!!!
Defeated by a mortal again...! Damn you... Damn you!!
SOUND: DEMONIC ENERGY SWIRLS AROUND GRILLMASTER
GRILLMASTER (DEMONIC)
I refuse to believe that this insolent fool could have
dethroned me!
CONNIE
What the hell?!
SOUND: CROWD PANIC
LAUREL
Connie, run!
GRILLMASTER (DEMONIC)
Connie! For your heinous transgression against my
power, I shall make sure that you suffer a thousand
hells before I end y-
(TRAILING OFF)
Oh what’s the point...?
CONNIE
Uh... Are you okay?
GRILLMASTER (AS WENDY)
Yeah, I’m fine. I just really wanted to win that
competition. I got defeated by a mortal a while back,
and I was taking a sabbatical from evil to try a bunch
of food. I saw this as an opportunity to maybe get some
of my mojo back, but if I can’t even defeat a mortal at
an eating contest, then maybe I should just throw in
the towel.
CONNIE
Woah, woah. Listen. Y’know… Good food isn’t about winning or
losing. It’s about nourishment, flavor, exploring new
things, with friends! You can’t take one loss in an
eating contest and just give up on food altogether!
There’s always a new dish to try, new horizons to
explore… An eating contest is just another step in your
journey, my young padawan.
GRILLMASTER (AS WENDY)
I’m several eons old.
CONNIE
My ancient, young padawan, doesn’t matter! What matters is: I had
fun. Did you have fun?
GRILLMASTER (AS WENDY)
...Yeah. Yeah I did have fun! I had a lot of fun, and I
ate like the demon that I am!
CONNIE
Fuck yeah, you did!
GRILLMASTER (AS WENDY)
Thank you for your words of encouragement, Connie.
You’ve inspired me to chase higher heights! To explore
new dishes! To boldly go where no foodie has gone
before!
EMCEE
Can you start by boldly exiting the stage? We have
karaoke in like five minutes.
GRILLMASTER (AS WENDY)
Very well. Connie, my new friend. I bid you well on
your culinary travels. Farewell.
SOUND: SHE VANISHES IN A HAZE OF DEMONIC ENERGY
SOUND: LAUREL WALKS UP
LAUREL
...Was that Grillmaster?
CONNIE
Yeah, I think that was definitely Grillmaster.
LAUREL
Huh.
SOUND: MOISHE WALKS UP
MOISHE
Great job, Connie!
CONNIE
Moishe!
LAUREL
It’s good to see you!
MOISHE
Good to see the both of you too! First of all, Connie:
I believe this blue ribbon belongs to you.
CONNIE
Hoo yeah! That’s going right on the fridge so I’m
reminded of it every time I grab a snack.
MOISHE
And Laurel.
LAUREL
Yes?
MOISHE
Mind if I speak with you for a moment, in private?
LAUREL
Um. Yes? I suppose?
Be right back?
CONNIE
Okay! I’ll meet you outside the emtrance
MOISHE
Yeah, definitely!
SOUND: CONNIE WALKS OFF
MOISHE
And she’s out of ear shot right about... Now. Okay,
Kirby told me you were looking to find the tunnel of
love so you two could get hitched?
LAUREL
(WHISPERING, ENTHUSIASTIC)
Yes! Did you find it?
MOISHE
I did! And I talked to the ride operator for you, and
slipped ’em a few bucks. Told ’em to keep an eye out
for you two. As soon as you two start the ride, they’re
gonna play a special song just for you to make it extra
sappy and romantic!
LAUREL
That’s great! Where is it?
MOISHE
Outside the stage area, hang a right, then a left at
the cotton candy booth, and straight onward from there!
You can’t miss it!
LAUREL
Perfect! Thanks, Moishe!
SOUND: SHE HUGS HIM
MOISHE
Of course, kiddo. Now get going! You’ve got a woman to
propose to!
LAUREL
Right!
(DEEP BREATH)
If Connie can stand up to the strongest monsters in the
universe, I can do this. Okay. Okay. Here I go!
MOISHE
Go get ’em, tiger!
Scene 10
SOUND: KIRBY IS MESSING WITH NANOBOTS
KIRBY
Let’s see here... I think just a few more tweaks and
this batch’ll be ready for testing.
SOUND: HE PUTS DOWN HIS TOOLS AND GRABS A DRINK
KIRBY
(AHHH~)
Alright. Let’s take a looksee.
SOUND: KIRBY’S COMMUNICATION ARRAY BEEPS
KIRBY
Huh? Ah! That’s Connie’s frequency. Must be the girls
calling to tell me they got engaged!
SOUND: HE WALKS OVER AND PRESSES A BUTTON
KIRBY
So! When’s the date?
DOCTOR MENACE
(OVER COMMS)
Date? What date?
KIRBY
...Who the fuck is this? How did you get this
frequency?!
DOCTOR MENACE
(OVER COMMS)
Who the fuck am I?! I am Doctor-!
CHUCK
(OVER COMMS)
Would you stop with the monologue, every time?!
DOCTOR MENACE
(OVER COMMS)
Listen! There is a formula to this, and I have to
follow it!
KIRBY
I said, who the fuck is this?!
CHUCK
(OVER COMMS)
...Hey wait a minute. I recognize that voice...
KIRBY
...Oh shit.
CHUCK
(OVER COMMS)
(CHUCKLING)
Doc, you son of a bitch, you actually found ’em!
DOCTOR MENACE
(OVER COMMS)
I did? O-Of course I did! I am a genius after all!
KIRBY
Shit, shit shit!.
SOUND: KIRBY STARTS TYPING FRANTICALLY
KIRBY
Girls! Girls can you hear me?! You have to run! Now!
SOUND: STATIC
KIRBY
Come on damn it! Work!
SOUND: LOUD METAL BANG
KIRBY
(GROWLING)
Come on, Megs! Run! Take Monarch and run, as far as you
can!
SOUND: CHUCK PUNCHS THROUGH THE DOOR TO NORA’S HIDEOUT
SOUND: CHUCK WALKS TOWARD KIRBY
CHUCK
Heya, Will. Long time, no see.
KIRBY
Aw son of a bitch...
Scene 11
RIDE OPERATOR
Enjoy the ride!
SOUND: CONNIE AND LAUREL WALK FORWARD
CONNIE
I’m so excited! I’ve always wanted to do a tunnel of
love with someone! And I always wanted that someone to
be you~.
LAUREL
(NERVOUS)
Heh, me too. I really think this will be extra special.
CONNIE
Aw, me too!
SOUND: NANOBOTS BEEP
CONNIE
Oop, just a sec.
KIRBY
(OVER COMMS, GLITCHING LIKE CRAZY)
Girls! Girls can you-
SOUND: THE SIGNAL GOES OUT
CONNIE
Kirb? Kirby?
LAUREL
What? What’s wrong?
CONNIE
Huh... He was trying to get a hold of me, but then he
cut out. Ugh this damn connection issue.
LAUREL
He said he was working on a solution, so it shouldn’t
take too long before that problem’s fixed.
CONNIE
Good, these cutouts have been annoying as hell.
RIDE OPERATOR
Enjoy the ride!
SOUND: CONNIE AND LAUREL WALK FORWARD
CONNIE
We’re next!
LAUREL
We sure are...!
RIDE OPERATOR
Hi there, welcome to the tunnel of love! I hear you two
are having a special day today?
CONNIE
We are?
LAUREL
We sure are! Yes! Celebrating her victory at the eating
contest. Yep! That’s what we’re celebrating!
CONNIE
Oh! Yeah, I totally won, against a literal demon! It
was pretty dope.
RIDE OPERATOR
Well, I’m sure it’ll be even better once you two take a
trip through the most romantic ride in the fair.
LAUREL
That’s the plan!
RIDE OPERATOR
Please be careful entering the boat. I’m gonna have you
take the front seat since you’re smaller.
LAUREL
Okay!
SOUND: LAUREL ENTERS
RIDE OPERATOR
And you can take the back seat.
CONNIE
Makes sense!
SOUND: CONNIE GETS IN
RIDE OPERATOR
Enjoy the ride!
SOUND: THE DOOR OPENS UP AND THE BOAT STARTS TO MOVE
SOUND: AS THEY ENTER THE TUNNEL "EVERY TWO LIFETIMES" STARTS
TO PLAY
CONNIE
Oh, no way. They’re totally playing our song.
LAUREL
Wow! What a total massive coincidence!
CONNIE
This is so cheesy oh my gosh. I love this. Look at the
dumpy little cherubs!
(LAUGHING)
LAUREL
(CHUCKLING NERVOUSLY)
Yeah! Super cheesy, totally dumb!
(MORE NERVOUS CHUCKLES)
CONNIE
What’s wrong, babe? Are the cherubs bugging you?
LAUREL
Uh...! Yeah that’s definitely it! They’re creepy, naked
little... angel... things. One of my biggest fears.
CONNIE
Aw shit! Then, uh. Oh! Close your eyes until we get to
the next part! I’ll let you know when we get there, okay?.
LAUREL
(GULPS)
Yeah okay I’ll... Do that.
CONNIE
And... We’re past the cherubs! You can open your eyes!
LAUREL
Wow, I super feel a million times better!
CONNIE
Are you sure? You still look nervous.
LAUREL
Me? Nervous? Pfff. When have I ever been nervous?
CONNIE
Babe, I’ve known you for 20 years, and we’ve been
dating for almost a whole year at this point. I know
what a nervous Laurel looks like. So what’s up?
LAUREL
Uhm! I uh...!
(DEEP BREATH)
Okay! So. Connie!
CONNIE
Laurel.
LAUREL
Yes! I just uhm... I have a thing I need to tell you,
and I hope that you’ll listen. Okay?
CONNIE
Absolutely babe. I always do my best to listen to you.
LAUREL
And that’s one of so many reasons why I love you so
much! You’re always willing to listen, you care. You
make me laugh, you make me smile. You pick me up when
I’m down, and you’ve always supported me in everything
that I have ever tried. And you want me to be the best
me that I can, and you make me want that for myself,
too! We make an incredible team, and I know that we can
always make it through anything. Because you and I?
We’re always stronger together. We always have been.
And I really want that to always be the case.
CONNIE
Laurel… That’s... Wow. I don’t know what to say.
LAUREL
Well. You could say yes?
CONNIE
To what...?
LAUREL
Being-
(SHE’S CUT OFF)
SOUND: RUMBLING
SOUND: THE MUSIC CUTS OUT
LAUREL
Huh? What’s that?
CONNIE
I don’t know... Is this part of the ride?
LAUREL
I-...I don’t think-
SOUND: THADDEUS BURSTS OUT OF THE WATER
CONNIE
(STARTLED)
LAUREL
(STARTLED)
THADDEUS
Megaton Girl!!
CONNIE
Thaddeus?!
THADDEUS
In the sludge, bitch!
CONNIE
Laurel! Run!
LAUREL
(STANDS AND TRIES TO GET OUT OF THE BOAT, PANICKING)
THADDEUS
No you don’t!!
SOUND: THADDEUS LASHES OUT AT BOTH OF THEM
CONNIE
Shit!
LAUREL
Connie-!
SOUND: BOTH OF THEM ARE ENGULFED
SOUND: CONNIE AND LAUREL FIGHTING AGAINST THE SLUDGE THAT
MAKES UP THADDEUS
CONNIE
(MUFFLED STRUGGLING)
Let us go you son of a-!
LAUREL
(MUFFLED STRUGGLING)
THADDEUS
(CACKLING MANICALLY AS THE SCENE FADES OUT)
Scene 12
SOUND: WATER GENTLY LAPS THE REMAINS OF THE BOATS IN THE
TUNNEL
CONNIE
(STIRS AWAKE)
Wh-...
(COUGHS AND SPITS)
What the fuck...?
(IMMEDIATELY ALERT)
Laurel!
SOUND: SHE SCRAMBLES TO HER FEET
CONNIE
Laurel?! Laurel!!
SOUND: SHE RUNS FURTHER INTO THE TUNNEL
CONNIE
Where the fuck did you take her, Thaddeus?! Laurel!!
SOUND: NANOBOTS BEEP
CONNIE
Kirby?! Kirby are you there?! Thaddeus took Laurel! He-
He knows who I am somehow and-!
CHUCK
(OVER COMMS)
I know how he knows, Mega Loser.
CONNIE
...You.
CHUCK
(OVER COMMS)
Me!
CONNIE
Chuck, I swear to god if you hurt either of them, I
will-
CHUCK
(OVER COMMS)
You’ll what? Kill me? That’s not very heroic, now is
it?
CONNIE
What did you do to them, you mother fucker…?
CHUCK
(OVER COMMS)
Don’t worry. They’re both safe. And they’ll stay that
way, long as you listen and behave. Mkay?
CONNIE
(SEETHING BREATHS)
CHUCK
(OVER COMMS)
Now. Go on. Ask. Ask me how I did it.
CONNIE
Tell me where they are. Now.
CHUCK
(OVER COMMS)
Ask me how I did it, or you’ll never find them.
CONNIE
(FUMING)
Fuh...How did you do it?
CHUCK
(OVER COMMS)
I’m so glad you asked! You see, I’ve been making
friends in the villain community over the last six
months. And let me tell you, some of these folks are
resourceful as hell! Take Doctor Menace for example, such a good boy: I
told him all about how I got nanobots put inside me by
Julian and William way back when. I figured that maybe
he could find the new frequency that you all use, and
we could use that to locate you and William. So… Doc
analyzes the nanobots, takes some time to reverse
engineer some bullshit, skip a few steps, bada-bing
bada-boom! We find William. We find you. And as a “buy
two get one three” deal: I end up finding out that
someone who used to work for me had been dating you all
along! Isn’t that fun? Pretty safe to assume that your
little Lori is Monarch too, huh?
CONNIE
Her name is Laurel, you piece of shit!
CHUCK
(OVER COMMS)
(CHUCKLES)
That wasn’t a no!
So! Pretty ingenious evil plan, huh?
CONNIE
Yeah, real fucking brilliant. Now tell me what you want
and stop wasting my fucking time.
CHUCK
(OVER COMMS)
All I want is revenge, baby! I want to make sure that
everyone in the world sees you for the weak, pathetic
fool that you are. And by the time that I’m done with
you: They’re gonna realize that no hero will ever be
able to save them the way I could. And no hero... will
ever be able to save them from me.
CONNIE
That isn’t gonna happen, and you know it.
CHUCK
(OVER COMMS)
See that’s the fun part. It is going to happen. And
you’re gonna play along. Otherwise your little
girlfriend, and grandpa William? They’re gonna die.
CONNIE
You’re a fucking coward, Chuck.
CHUCK
(OVER COMMS)
Please, call me Captain Vendetta.
CONNIE
No.
CHUCK
(OVER COMMS)
Do it!!!
CONNIE
...Captain. Vendetta.
CHUCK
(OVER COMMS)
That’s the stuff. Now then. Tomorrow morning: Meet me
at the Los Dioses Football Stadium. Alone. If you bring
help, and if anybody comes to help you. Your friends
die. If you try to look for your friends? They die. If
you don’t show up? They die. Are we clear?
CONNIE
...Fucking crystal.
CHUCK
(OVER COMMS)
Good. Rest up, bitch. You’ve got a big day ahead.
SOUND: NANOBOTS CUT OUT
SOUND: CONNIE FALLS TO HER KNEES
CONNIE
(CRYING, WHICH TURNS INTO AN ANGUISHED GUTBUSTER SCREAM OF RAGE)
CREDITS